Funny how the pain never goes away. At least not yet....for me. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was fine. Nothing was bothering me anymore. But then I find out about a pregnancy that sends me back into the emotional rut. Suddenly that heavy feeling in my chest is back and I find myself fighting back tears. I don't want to feel this way. It isn't by choice. It just still hurts.....more than I could ever have imagined. Miscarriages suck - don't they.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
All Clear
Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was out. It all looked good and I was given the O.K. to resume normal activities. This makes me very happy as it has been about 2.5 weeks since my D&C. Now our lives can really get back to normal [hopefully AF makes an appearance in the near future]. I'm excited to have healed quickly and be able to start exercising again. I missed playing soccer so much! I even have new cleats I only used once! Can't wait for that. Also looking forward to all the hiking we're gonna be doing next week when we head up to Yosemite for 4 days. But after not exercising for almost 2 months I'm a bit worried about Yosemite. I'll have to do a lot of walking the next few days to ease back into it for our trip. On Wednesday we went to the Dodger game and I almost passed out after climbing all the damn steps to get to the reserve level. My calves were even sore the next day. That's how outta shape I am. We leave for Yosemite on Thursday and return Sunday. Great end of summer trip. Looking forward to leaving the city and breathing some clean air!
As for this weekend, I plan to not make plans. I need to get some stuff organized in my life and get ready for our trip. My car has also been begging me for a car wash. Hopefully it'll be a productive weekend.
As for this weekend, I plan to not make plans. I need to get some stuff organized in my life and get ready for our trip. My car has also been begging me for a car wash. Hopefully it'll be a productive weekend.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
peaks & valleys: still waiting for that peak...
today is not a good day. yesterday and today have not been good days. i think the whole hormone change that i didn't experience right after my D&C is beginning to happen now. Yesterday I was super emotional. Everything was making me cry. Didn't help it was 9/11 and a lot of sad stories were circulating the internet and i just happened to read most of them. Once home, i cried with tv. Especially thru the entire 2 hour season premier of the "The Biggest Loser." I even started to cry when I realized I was watching the series finale of "Gilmore Girls." The ending was so good it made me cry. what. the. fuck.
Today - i'm totally hormonal and PMSing. I have a short fuse for everything. Things I usually shrug off are getting to me today and everything feels like an attack on me. i feel fine and haven't been giving my weight gain much thought since i haven't been feeling oger-ish. But getting on that scale today and adding another pound to the tally wasn't not fun. I shrugged it off like nothing but been thinking about it all day. and the worst part is that i can't find it in me to start eating better and stop eating crap all day long. i don't want to stop. i can't stop. i can't go for walks. i can't gather the strength to leave my couch.
work is really getting on my nerves. i can't stand it today. i just want to lock myself in an empty room and sit there with my computer all alone.
I went to my moms for lunch and all the crying kids [my niece & cousins kid] were driving me mad. i hardly ate. then my mom has to throw in her weekly comment on my appearance. today it was the hair. about how greasy it looks and she doesn't understand how it happens and why i don't wash it everyday. same fucking discussion everyday. so. over. it. how many times do i have to say - it was fine this morning but now its greasy. i can't wash it everyday because my hair is too thin and dries out. its a scalp problem that no hair dresser has an answer for. leave. me. the. fuck. alone. i left after 30 min. and now i'm back at work 20 min. early.
i wish i could just go home and crawl into bed and sleep the rest of this week away. i can't deal with things. my to do list is growing and i can feel the stress creeping in.
- i have 3 weeks to make 100 invites. 3 weeks! they want to mail them the 1st week of october. we just finalized a design & i have no supplies! stress #1.
- i need to make a new resume because i lost my old file so that i can email it to my cousin. she was expecting it monday. stress #2. i need to make time. i hate not having internet at home. i feel like i have 8 hours everyday to get shit done because once i'm home i'm cut off from the world. it's like working in construction in Alaska and only having a few hours of daylight. i'm pressed for time.
- then work calls and i can't focus on it because i want to work on personal shit that i don't get done at home. stress #3.
- i feel my home life falling apart. we sort of got back on track , but there's still so much to do. stress #4.
- our finances are killing us. it's getting harder and harder with no solution in sight. we haven't even bought groceries in 3 weeks because other items want a piece of our paychecks! stress #5.
now i'm trying to keep the tears behind my eyeballs. i can handle it, yet i want to just let go and break down. it's so easy to feel the depression grabbing hold of you and beginning to drag you away. i'm fighting it. i want to be ok. i want g & i to be ok. i want to be happy with our lives again. why is everything so hard sometimes?
Today - i'm totally hormonal and PMSing. I have a short fuse for everything. Things I usually shrug off are getting to me today and everything feels like an attack on me. i feel fine and haven't been giving my weight gain much thought since i haven't been feeling oger-ish. But getting on that scale today and adding another pound to the tally wasn't not fun. I shrugged it off like nothing but been thinking about it all day. and the worst part is that i can't find it in me to start eating better and stop eating crap all day long. i don't want to stop. i can't stop. i can't go for walks. i can't gather the strength to leave my couch.
work is really getting on my nerves. i can't stand it today. i just want to lock myself in an empty room and sit there with my computer all alone.
I went to my moms for lunch and all the crying kids [my niece & cousins kid] were driving me mad. i hardly ate. then my mom has to throw in her weekly comment on my appearance. today it was the hair. about how greasy it looks and she doesn't understand how it happens and why i don't wash it everyday. same fucking discussion everyday. so. over. it. how many times do i have to say - it was fine this morning but now its greasy. i can't wash it everyday because my hair is too thin and dries out. its a scalp problem that no hair dresser has an answer for. leave. me. the. fuck. alone. i left after 30 min. and now i'm back at work 20 min. early.
i wish i could just go home and crawl into bed and sleep the rest of this week away. i can't deal with things. my to do list is growing and i can feel the stress creeping in.
- i have 3 weeks to make 100 invites. 3 weeks! they want to mail them the 1st week of october. we just finalized a design & i have no supplies! stress #1.
- i need to make a new resume because i lost my old file so that i can email it to my cousin. she was expecting it monday. stress #2. i need to make time. i hate not having internet at home. i feel like i have 8 hours everyday to get shit done because once i'm home i'm cut off from the world. it's like working in construction in Alaska and only having a few hours of daylight. i'm pressed for time.
- then work calls and i can't focus on it because i want to work on personal shit that i don't get done at home. stress #3.
- i feel my home life falling apart. we sort of got back on track , but there's still so much to do. stress #4.
- our finances are killing us. it's getting harder and harder with no solution in sight. we haven't even bought groceries in 3 weeks because other items want a piece of our paychecks! stress #5.
now i'm trying to keep the tears behind my eyeballs. i can handle it, yet i want to just let go and break down. it's so easy to feel the depression grabbing hold of you and beginning to drag you away. i'm fighting it. i want to be ok. i want g & i to be ok. i want to be happy with our lives again. why is everything so hard sometimes?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Name Change
I just realized that the blog name should be changed. So it's gone from "Baby Geefunk" to "Making Baby Geefunk." But for some reason I wanna leave my old name design up. So I will - just under the new name.
Things that make me sad
Everyday I open up this blog, and then I hit "new post" and proceed to stare at a blank screen for about 15 min before finally closing the window. I have not had much to say these days. I have been doing great! Really moving on and trying not to let things make me sad. But some days...it's still hard. And today...just turned into one of those hard days.
One of the main things that make me sad these days are reading posts on the LA Nest message board. I graduated to the nest from the knot after getting married. I was starting to make an effort to become a regular poster, and then we got pregnant. So much of the talk on the nest is about babies and pregnancy, but I held back. I didn't want to say anything till we had our ultrasound. Well, we all know how that turned out. I also really didn't want to tell the girls on the nest about being P because so many of them have had and are stilling dealing with fertility issues. At first I felt sorta bad for getting pregnant on the first try. Especially when I never even mentioned to the nest that we were trying.
Where am I going with this? Recently, a few of the ladies on the nest who had problems conceiving....are now pregnant. It is the worst bitter sweet feeling in the world. i have secretly been rooting for these girls to get lucky and become pregnant. And now....i'm jealous! I think to myself - i lose my baby and these girls finally get pregnant! I KNOW - i can't think this way and need to stop, but this is my venting space so deal with it. I so bad want to be happy for them, but it's so hard. I now know. These girls must've felt this same way every time some one else announced their pregnancy. It's effing hard. But after this little moment here....i'm moving on.
Some other things that still make me sad:
- 3/26/08: our estimated due date
- women with small baby bumps - woulda been me.
- my prenatal vitamins - i stopped taking them and tend to stare at the bottle in the kitchen.
- GAP product (RED) baby onesie - we were gonna buythe Delive(red) onesie. Or buy them all.
- stupid celebrities getting pregnant
- pregnancy test commercials
Those are just some things. I know it'll go away [i hope] and soon enough we'll have something happy to look forward to, but it still sucks. Everyday...it sucks.
Now I wanna give a shout-out to nestie nickoletta100. After trying to concieve for 18 months, she is finally pregnant! I was so happy to read this today [haven't been on the nest lately]. I have read her baby making blog in the past, and she should come as an inspiration to many ladies out there struggling with fertility issues. Check her out at Baby Twiglet [formerly known as "Making Twiglet"]. Congrats!
One of the main things that make me sad these days are reading posts on the LA Nest message board. I graduated to the nest from the knot after getting married. I was starting to make an effort to become a regular poster, and then we got pregnant. So much of the talk on the nest is about babies and pregnancy, but I held back. I didn't want to say anything till we had our ultrasound. Well, we all know how that turned out. I also really didn't want to tell the girls on the nest about being P because so many of them have had and are stilling dealing with fertility issues. At first I felt sorta bad for getting pregnant on the first try. Especially when I never even mentioned to the nest that we were trying.
Where am I going with this? Recently, a few of the ladies on the nest who had problems conceiving....are now pregnant. It is the worst bitter sweet feeling in the world. i have secretly been rooting for these girls to get lucky and become pregnant. And now....i'm jealous! I think to myself - i lose my baby and these girls finally get pregnant! I KNOW - i can't think this way and need to stop, but this is my venting space so deal with it. I so bad want to be happy for them, but it's so hard. I now know. These girls must've felt this same way every time some one else announced their pregnancy. It's effing hard. But after this little moment here....i'm moving on.
Some other things that still make me sad:
- 3/26/08: our estimated due date
- women with small baby bumps - woulda been me.
- my prenatal vitamins - i stopped taking them and tend to stare at the bottle in the kitchen.
- GAP product (RED) baby onesie - we were gonna buythe Delive(red) onesie. Or buy them all.
- stupid celebrities getting pregnant
- pregnancy test commercials
Those are just some things. I know it'll go away [i hope] and soon enough we'll have something happy to look forward to, but it still sucks. Everyday...it sucks.
Now I wanna give a shout-out to nestie nickoletta100. After trying to concieve for 18 months, she is finally pregnant! I was so happy to read this today [haven't been on the nest lately]. I have read her baby making blog in the past, and she should come as an inspiration to many ladies out there struggling with fertility issues. Check her out at Baby Twiglet [formerly known as "Making Twiglet"]. Congrats!
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