O - M - G

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!

OMG! The feeling is so amazing to see that little tiny heart blinking away on the ultrasound screen. And then our Doc blasted the volume and we could hear it!! G's eyes teared up, I stayed sorta shocked it was finally there. The doc said it sounded very strong, but in all the excitement I forgot to ask her how fast it was going. Wow. We're having a baby! We have been blessed with a heartbeat and I pray for a healthy baby.

Well I am SUPER sick with this morning [ALL DAY] sickness business, so I can't think of more to post right now. I finally threw up this morning which sucked. I hope it doesn't get worse, because man this sucks. The constant nausea and not being able to eat or drink. I'm finally stomaching some fruit and ginger ale. I feel ok right now so hopefully i can have a good dinner.

We have a heartbeat!!! I'll scan in the ultrasound picture later. So excited!

Oh yeah! And I measured 6 weeks 5 days, so I was right on target! YAY! EDD is August 2, 2008.

Pregnant Face

Yesterday I was at my mom's house, and her distant cousin was there too. My mom tells me today that this lady asked her if I was pregnant! She said she could see it in my face, and that she's never been wrong. She has told women [in the past] that they are pregnant before the women even know it. Crazy right? So my mom told her I was, but that we weren't telling anyone yet. The lady wanted to say something to me, but didn't think it was her place. I can't believe it. I mean I have heard of women who can see it, but the fact that someone saw it in me? It's just short of awesome! :D Little things like this [and the extreme nausea as of late] can be really comforting. 2 more days for our appointment! I can barely sleep just thinking about it.

Gag me with a spoon...or toothbrush...

You know what sucks? Trying to think of what to make for dinner when you're nauseous. I do not want anything right now. I've noticed that I start to feel sick when I start to get hungry. Or just before. I need to start bringing healthy snacks to work. I think I might have to start cooking lots of food on the weekends and freezing it. Although I've never been one to freeze food. Not sure how to go about it either. Well that was a short-lived idea. Ugh. I don't know what we're having for dinner tonight, but I'm already hungry [but feel like nothing]. Wish G would just cook...anything...anything at all.

On the bright side - 1 more week till our 1st appointment! Man I can't wait. This last week better not drag on.

Strength in small numbers

It's hard being so strong all the time. No matter what happens in life, I try to be strong and have a positive attitude to be able to move on. But sometimes....human nature takes over and the weakness sets in. Sometimes only occupying space for a moment....other times for much more than that. Thankfully I only have "moments." And when those moments hit I allow myself to sulk in the moment. Just for a second...as if to remember how terrible it feels...and how much I don't want to feel that way.

Last night I had one of those moments. Let me first say that I had been feeling great lately [aside from the constant nausea]. I had not worried or over analyzed. I think I owe a lot to that nausea. It is somewhat comforting to have it so bad this time around. I didn't feel sick at all last time. It's like a confirmation that this is and will be a viable pregnancy. Anyway....back to my moment. I notice yesterday that I was going to start spotting. Now, I'm telling myself it's old blood and not to worry. It happens and means nothing most of the time. I know. BUT considering how that didn't turn out so well last time...well...it just sorta got me. I literally got scared at the thought of what could be, once again. So I sulked for a minute and let G hold me and make me feel safe. There's just something about being in the arms of the man you love that comforts you like nothing else. Everything starts to feel ok.

The great thing is that we don't have to wait as long for our first ultrasound. 1 week and 2 days till we see a tiny beating heart. I know we'll see it. I know I'll be nervous wreck that day, but I can't wait.

----------------
Now playing: Norah Jones - The Nearness of You
via FoxyTunes

Proud Mama

I just realized I'm gonna be one of those - I'm totally making photo Christmas cards with our baby's face on it next year! Proud mama....to the extreme? I hope not. Who am I kidding...of course it'll be to the extreme! Can't wait.

I can't believe how ridiculously excited I am this time. Like seriously. I think last time it was more scary because I wasn't sure I was ready. This time I just wanted to be pregnant again so bad! I'm not even that worried anymore. Just happy. Feels good. 2 weeks till our first appointment and ultrasound. Can't wait!

Gender Predictions

Ok, I know. You cannot really predict the gender of your baby [maybe after a few]. But for some reason, this time around I really feel we could be having a boy. Last time I was convinced it was a girl. I was having baby girl dreams. But this time it's different. I know I'm just crazy, but we'll see.

And then there were three...AGAIN!

And man it feels fanfuckentastic! I'm pregnant! And I could not be anymore happy.

I had been feeling really tired and nauseous all last week, but I didn't think much of it. G and I had decided that we would stop preventing this month since I had already had 2 regular cycles. But we totally thought we missed out chance! Well by the grace of God I ovulated late and coincidently did the deed on that very day. It was so mean to be because we thought our chance had come and gone.

I immediately become consumed with the idea that I may be pregnant after all. I decided I would wait until Sunday to test. AF was due on Saturday. As always, that didn't work out. I ended up taking a test Friday morning. I couldn't sleep! Sure enough it came up positive right away. I was in such shock I didn't even react to it all until later that night when I told G.But I decided I'd tell my sister right then because I had to tell some one. G worked all morning and then I left to visit my friend A before he got home. I didn't want to tell him over the phone either. Since I wanted him to know first I didn't even tell A. Boy was that hard! I was bursting with exciting on the inside, but had to keep my cool.

On my way home that night I stopped at CVS by our home and bought G a card. I went home and wrote a long ass note about how our time had finally came again. I put the note on his pillow and waited for him to get home. It was great once he finally read it. He was floored.

On Sunday I took another test. G wanted to see one and it was our anniversary, so it was cool to do. Like our gift to ourselves! ;) I started getting really scared after that and had been holding off on calling my doctor. I was so paranoid. But I finally went in for a urine test to get the referral to go back to my lady doctor. The positive came right up at the doctor's office and felt really good.

I made my first prenatal appointment right away. They told me they were booked until after Christmas, but I decided to play th e"miscarriage card" to get an earlier appt. The girl on the phone totally sympathized and was able to squeeze me in in 2 weeks. Assome! Should be enough time to see a heartbeat as I'll almost be 7 weeks.

So this time around we are going to make sure to keep this our secret until we at least see a heartbeat. If all goes well at my first ultrasound on Dec. 13th then we may make an announcement at Christmas. I haven't decided yet though, since I would only be 8 weeks. With everything that has happened we are definitely taking this one day at a time. Living in the moment and trying to not to worry about the future. Filling our heads with positive thoughts. This is why I have made this blog completely private....for now. I want to write everything here, but I'm not ready for the world to know. Soon enough.

As for the stats -

I'm 4 weeks 4 days
EDD: August 2, 2008

Symptoms so far:
- Lots of nausea [almost got sick at a party Saturday]
- Sore Nipples [started yesterday]
- Mild cramps all last week but have tapered off.
- Emotional wreck
- Mood swings
- and fatigue....I am SO tired. Usually hits after lunch and gets really bad around 4pm.

Very Late Update

I forgot to come back and update. I ended up getting a visit from AF on friday the 26th. I had a 28 day cycle which is assome. My body isn't all fucked up afterall. However, AF has been sticking around a little longer than usual. I'm at CD7 and still spotting.

Nothing else to report. All has been well in the emotional front. Except that maybe we won't be trying for a baby just yet. At least not this cycle. I need to get back that sense of normalcy for getting back on the baby making track. But this is an issue that continues to flip flop in my head. Only time will tell.

Update

HPT was negative this morning.
That's good.....I guess.
I feel pretty indifferent about it.
Still nauseous though.
We'll see if AF shows up by the end of next week.
No more testing until then.

To be or not to be...that is my question.

It's been a long ass time since my last post. I guess not much has changed on this front. Except for the fact that I think I may be pregnant! Dude I kinda hope not, but I kinda feel like yes. I'm not even gonna speculate on here, because I've done enough of that in my head already. But I have some left over HPTs at home from the last time and I think I'll be testing soon, if not tomorrow morning. I just gotta know to keep my mind at ease. I'm 11 days dpo today.

I also started charting my temps after my last period [first since miscarriage]. I decided to do it on fertitlityfriend.com since they make it so damn easy and do all the work for you. I paid for the 30-day membership. I'm really good at taking my temps now [previous attempt didn't work so well]. I have set up an alarm on my cell phone to go off at the same time everyday. I wake up....take my temp.....go back to sleep. When I get up I can go back and check the last temp on the thermometer to write down in a notebook i keep by my bed, so it works.

Back to the maybe preggers thing. I HIGHLY doubt it. Although, to be honest, I wouldn't be disappointed if i was. As expected, the hubs and I did not follow the doctors advice on using protection. I just figure what for? I guess I thought I wasn't fertile yet. I don't know. There are, however, some discrepancies in my chart. FF [fertility friend] is not entirely sure which exact date I O'd. I think I might have O'd later than the chart states. Maybe not. I don't know. But I've been extremely dizzy and sometimes nauseous [like now] for a few days now. I've also felt some of the same uterus feelings from the last time around. I know "uterus feelings" makes no sense, but I can't explain it.

For those of you familiar with FF, you can analyze my chart below. Notice, [so TMI but oh well] we've had sex all 2 times. I finally got it out of the hubs that he had been afraid to initiate anything. Poor guy, but do I have to do all the damn work around here? Geez!

Aunt Flow is a Bitch

This is like the period from hell! And I've had bad one's in the past.

I am so nauseous! I have never experienced nausea with AF. I was nauseous all day yesterday, I couldn't even go to sleep because of it. I finally got up and took some Tylenol PM that knocked me out. And again today. I am sitting here at work and I feel like I'm gonna be sick! I've also had pretty painful constant cramps that won't go away with anything. I take maximum strength Midol...nothing. I take 2 Motrin....nothing. I take Tylenol.....nothing. I think this is the time to start using the stronger prescription ibuprofen my doc gave me after my D&C.

I'd rather have my 1 day of super [crouched in the fetal position with cold sweats] painful cramps for a day, than this bullshit. I was use to my painful cramps. This is way worse. I just feel like crap. Weak, sick, in pain. Oh yeah....and throw in a heavier flow....just for kicks.

Ups & Downs

I'm so over the downs. They come outta nowhere. No matter how much time has gone by or what good has come....the pain that we felt that first day, after the loss, continues to hold refuge in my heart. When it hurts, it doesn't hurt any less than that first day.

Yesterday was bittersweet. I woke up to an old friend - Aunt Flow. I had been patiently waiting and was very happy to see her. 25 days after the spotting from the D&C ended....AF arrived. It finally feels like I'm normal. It's good to know my body has healed. If only I was completely healed.

By the end of the day I was in an emotional rut. I never thought that something that I wanted so bad [AF] could bring back the pain. I was telling G that it felt like the end of a chapter. A chapter that ended much too soon. Since it is something that I still wish had never happened, and I'm still upset about, the end of this chapter was hard to swallow. As soon as I got in bed and let my guard down, the tears began to flow. I cried like the first day. A final goodbye....one last good cry.

From here we can only go up. I fill my head with positive thoughts every day, yesterday was an exception. I now will only look forward, leaving the sad memories locked away.

I still want a baby more than ever [even though the thought scares me more than ever], and I have a feeling we may not make it the 3 months requested by the doc. Honestly, I think I want to try again this month. Only G & I can say when we're ready. And believe me, we both are. Sometimes I feel like its he only way to heal. So here's to a new month and a new chapter. We'll see how it goes.

Pain pain go away....

Funny how the pain never goes away. At least not yet....for me. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was fine. Nothing was bothering me anymore. But then I find out about a pregnancy that sends me back into the emotional rut. Suddenly that heavy feeling in my chest is back and I find myself fighting back tears. I don't want to feel this way. It isn't by choice. It just still hurts.....more than I could ever have imagined. Miscarriages suck - don't they.

All Clear

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was out. It all looked good and I was given the O.K. to resume normal activities. This makes me very happy as it has been about 2.5 weeks since my D&C. Now our lives can really get back to normal [hopefully AF makes an appearance in the near future]. I'm excited to have healed quickly and be able to start exercising again. I missed playing soccer so much! I even have new cleats I only used once! Can't wait for that. Also looking forward to all the hiking we're gonna be doing next week when we head up to Yosemite for 4 days. But after not exercising for almost 2 months I'm a bit worried about Yosemite. I'll have to do a lot of walking the next few days to ease back into it for our trip. On Wednesday we went to the Dodger game and I almost passed out after climbing all the damn steps to get to the reserve level. My calves were even sore the next day. That's how outta shape I am. We leave for Yosemite on Thursday and return Sunday. Great end of summer trip. Looking forward to leaving the city and breathing some clean air!

As for this weekend, I plan to not make plans. I need to get some stuff organized in my life and get ready for our trip. My car has also been begging me for a car wash. Hopefully it'll be a productive weekend.

peaks & valleys: still waiting for that peak...

today is not a good day. yesterday and today have not been good days. i think the whole hormone change that i didn't experience right after my D&C is beginning to happen now. Yesterday I was super emotional. Everything was making me cry. Didn't help it was 9/11 and a lot of sad stories were circulating the internet and i just happened to read most of them. Once home, i cried with tv. Especially thru the entire 2 hour season premier of the "The Biggest Loser." I even started to cry when I realized I was watching the series finale of "Gilmore Girls." The ending was so good it made me cry. what. the. fuck.

Today - i'm totally hormonal and PMSing. I have a short fuse for everything. Things I usually shrug off are getting to me today and everything feels like an attack on me. i feel fine and haven't been giving my weight gain much thought since i haven't been feeling oger-ish. But getting on that scale today and adding another pound to the tally wasn't not fun. I shrugged it off like nothing but been thinking about it all day. and the worst part is that i can't find it in me to start eating better and stop eating crap all day long. i don't want to stop. i can't stop. i can't go for walks. i can't gather the strength to leave my couch.

work is really getting on my nerves. i can't stand it today. i just want to lock myself in an empty room and sit there with my computer all alone.

I went to my moms for lunch and all the crying kids [my niece & cousins kid] were driving me mad. i hardly ate. then my mom has to throw in her weekly comment on my appearance. today it was the hair. about how greasy it looks and she doesn't understand how it happens and why i don't wash it everyday. same fucking discussion everyday. so. over. it. how many times do i have to say - it was fine this morning but now its greasy. i can't wash it everyday because my hair is too thin and dries out. its a scalp problem that no hair dresser has an answer for. leave. me. the. fuck. alone. i left after 30 min. and now i'm back at work 20 min. early.

i wish i could just go home and crawl into bed and sleep the rest of this week away. i can't deal with things. my to do list is growing and i can feel the stress creeping in.
- i have 3 weeks to make 100 invites. 3 weeks! they want to mail them the 1st week of october. we just finalized a design & i have no supplies! stress #1.
- i need to make a new resume because i lost my old file so that i can email it to my cousin. she was expecting it monday. stress #2. i need to make time. i hate not having internet at home. i feel like i have 8 hours everyday to get shit done because once i'm home i'm cut off from the world. it's like working in construction in Alaska and only having a few hours of daylight. i'm pressed for time.
- then work calls and i can't focus on it because i want to work on personal shit that i don't get done at home. stress #3.
- i feel my home life falling apart. we sort of got back on track , but there's still so much to do. stress #4.
- our finances are killing us. it's getting harder and harder with no solution in sight. we haven't even bought groceries in 3 weeks because other items want a piece of our paychecks! stress #5.

now i'm trying to keep the tears behind my eyeballs. i can handle it, yet i want to just let go and break down. it's so easy to feel the depression grabbing hold of you and beginning to drag you away. i'm fighting it. i want to be ok. i want g & i to be ok. i want to be happy with our lives again. why is everything so hard sometimes?

Name Change

I just realized that the blog name should be changed. So it's gone from "Baby Geefunk" to "Making Baby Geefunk." But for some reason I wanna leave my old name design up. So I will - just under the new name.

Things that make me sad

Everyday I open up this blog, and then I hit "new post" and proceed to stare at a blank screen for about 15 min before finally closing the window. I have not had much to say these days. I have been doing great! Really moving on and trying not to let things make me sad. But some days...it's still hard. And today...just turned into one of those hard days.

One of the main things that make me sad these days are reading posts on the LA Nest message board. I graduated to the nest from the knot after getting married. I was starting to make an effort to become a regular poster, and then we got pregnant. So much of the talk on the nest is about babies and pregnancy, but I held back. I didn't want to say anything till we had our ultrasound. Well, we all know how that turned out. I also really didn't want to tell the girls on the nest about being P because so many of them have had and are stilling dealing with fertility issues. At first I felt sorta bad for getting pregnant on the first try. Especially when I never even mentioned to the nest that we were trying.

Where am I going with this? Recently, a few of the ladies on the nest who had problems conceiving....are now pregnant. It is the worst bitter sweet feeling in the world. i have secretly been rooting for these girls to get lucky and become pregnant. And now....i'm jealous! I think to myself - i lose my baby and these girls finally get pregnant! I KNOW - i can't think this way and need to stop, but this is my venting space so deal with it. I so bad want to be happy for them, but it's so hard. I now know. These girls must've felt this same way every time some one else announced their pregnancy. It's effing hard. But after this little moment here....i'm moving on.

Some other things that still make me sad:

- 3/26/08: our estimated due date
- women with small baby bumps - woulda been me.
- my prenatal vitamins - i stopped taking them and tend to stare at the bottle in the kitchen.
- GAP product (RED) baby onesie - we were gonna buythe Delive(red) onesie. Or buy them all.
- stupid celebrities getting pregnant
- pregnancy test commercials

Those are just some things. I know it'll go away [i hope] and soon enough we'll have something happy to look forward to, but it still sucks. Everyday...it sucks.

Now I wanna give a shout-out to nestie nickoletta100. After trying to concieve for 18 months, she is finally pregnant! I was so happy to read this today [haven't been on the nest lately]. I have read her baby making blog in the past, and she should come as an inspiration to many ladies out there struggling with fertility issues. Check her out at Baby Twiglet [formerly known as "Making Twiglet"]. Congrats!

Recovery

Finally an update for all of you that have been checking in, patiently waiting. [Thank you for caring] I would have updated sooner, but internet is hard to come by these days. So her I am, at my mom's....freeloading off their internet that I still pay! Don't ask me why. I guess that means I'm not really a freeloader if I pay it. Getting sidetracked here!

On Monday I checked in to the hospital at 10am for my D&C. It was a long process and it didn't help the doc was 30 min. late. I was taken in to the first room where I had to change into a gown and get in a hospital bed. I was immediately hooked up to an IV and blood was drawn to determine my type in case I needed a transplant. O+ - I knew that already. After being lonely for about 10 min., the nurse brought in my hubby to keep me company. We waiting around for a good 2 hours. I never felt nervous which was good. It was more of an eerie calm that came over me. After talking to the anesthesiologist and finally our doc, I was rolled down the hall into the surgery room. This room was COLD! It was weird to see all the tools that were gonna be used. All the other techs in the room talking nonchalant about their plans for the day. The anesthesiologist gave me the goods - along with a little something to ease me out of the surgery [best drug ever!]. They asked me to scoot onto the the surgery bed and I looked at the clocked and I was out.

I didn't realize I had knocked out till I woke up. It felt good like waking up from a nice sleep. Fast forward about 3 min. when the flood gates open. Out of nowhere I begin crying. Tears of a deep sadness. I had no idea where it came from and I couldn't stop. I had a nice nurse that talked to me and calmed me down. After about 30 min. I was rolled out to the recovery room. G was in the hall waiting for me. I was told I needed to pass 3 tests in order to be discharged.

1. Keep down fluids

2. Pee

3. Walk on my own

Once in the room, I had 2 boxes of apple juice and slept for about 30 min. I woke up and had to pee. Good sign as I had already passed a test. I made it to the restroom with little help and the nurse said I was ready to go. She also said it helped to be young - you have a nice recovery. Soon afterwards we were discharged into the hot Cali heat.

One of the things that sorta bothered me in the hospital, was constantly being asked why I was having a D&C done. And then you tell them miscarriage and they ask if it was your first and you say yes and they feel so sorry for you. I don't want or need more people feeling sorry. I don't need to be asked why I'm having an "abortion" procedure. Sucks.

Once home on Monday I just slept some more and ate. I was starving!!! I hadn't eaten since the day before as you have to fast. So by 3pm I was ravenous! For dinner my mom sent over some caldo de pollo and rice and jello and watermelon and grapes. She's the bestest. You know who else is the bestest? G - for talking 3 days off with me to make sure I was ok and had everything I needed. Thanks babe - you are also the bestest.

Recovery has been great. I have felt virtually no pain, just super mild cramps every now and then. Bleeding has been minimal - only light spotting. So it's good! I haven't even touched my pain meds. Crazy...I know.

Today was the only draw back. I took my antibiotics this mornings and immediately began to feel sick. I was dizzy, in a cold sweat, and thought I was going to be sick. It wasn't too bad at first so I headed to work. The drive only made it worse. I stayed at work just long enough to tell my boss I was gonna have to head home. I had been fine everyday, but today something didn't sit well. Could've been a combination of little sleep and being up early after a week of tons of sleep. So I headed home to make sure I didn't have a fever [fever could mean infection = scary] and then came to my moms to freeload off the a/c! ;o) I slept all morning and then had lunch, but I still feel a bit dizzy. Let's hope this doesn't last much longer.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post from the emotional aspect of this all. That is a post of its own.

Thanks everyone that has been reading and caring and texting me well wishes. It really really does help and makes me feel so lucky to have a assome bunch of great friends. Maybe some day you all won't be so shy to drop me comment! ;o)

**Here's hoping for a better September**

Confirmed Miscarriage

Yesterday our finally ultrasound confirmed that the sac was not gonna grow anymore. Medical term for this is "blighted ovum." My body still thinks it's pregnant even though nothing is developing. It was what G & I expected so we weren't devastated so to speak, but still super sad. I'm just happy to be able to move on. The doc said that it seemed that the sac didn't even develope past 4 weeks [if that far].

I have scheduled a D&C for Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 10am [with no eating since the night before] and the surgery will take place at noon. I'm taking work off until Wednesday and returning on Thursday. I know the time after the surgery will take its emotional toll. Especially since my hormones will be all outta whack afterwards.

I probably won't be posting again till afterwards since I don't have internet at home [which thinking about that makes me more sad that I won't have a connection to the e-world for so long]. But if I go to my moms house any day I'll definitely take a moment to update you loyal readers.

Wish me luck!

Official D-Day

***this post has been a draft until today 10-15-10. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was reading thru my posts when I found this one. So here it is.***


*************
Today is the day. I have a doctor's appt. at 2pm for an ultrasound that will finally tell us if I'm still pregnant or not. I am nervous about it, but more relieved that it will finally be over soon. I've decided that if I am indeed diagnosed with some sort of miscarriage I will have a D&C.

A D&C (dilatation and curettage) is sometimes performed to "complete" a miscarriage. Remaining fragments of decidual or endometrial lining are removed. If there is still embryonic or placental tissue left behind, this procedure will remove them.

I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to miscarry naturally or get this procedure done. I was thinking that if I miscarried about 3-4 weeks ago and haven't miscarried naturally yet, then who knows how much longer it'll take. I don't think I can wait for this to happen another 2-3 weeks. Or even 1 week. This how ordeal has been so emotionally draining that I would rather just start the healing process sooner than later. I live in a daze. I can't focus on anything else but my body. I need to be done with this so I can return to my life!

After talking to our doc I'll decide whether or not to schedule a D&C. If I do, then I'll schedule it for sometime mid next week. I'll most likely take the rest of the week off work and then have the weekend. Sucky thing is I'll have to tell my boss what's going and to top it off he's on vacay till next tues. or wed. So I don't even see when I could tell him.

In other related news, I have officially diagnosed myself as an emotional eater. I wish being depressed and down in the dumps would cause me to stop eating, but unfortunately I have the opposite reaction. I have been eating more than ever and the scale has not been nice to me. I am on almost at 7lbs of weight gain since finding out I was preggers. 4 of those lbs has been gained since finding out I was most likely miscarrying. Sucks because I had just lost some weight so I quickly gained more back. Really, this doesn't help in making me feel better.

Staying positive with little hopes

I get news today that my hCG levels went up, but only a tiny bit. Not near enough as they should. Or as the nurse put it, "my numbers are floundering." So now I have an ultrasound appt. for Thursday afternoon so that the doc can decide if this is a "viable" pregnancy. I really don't know what to think. I know it's not over till the fat lady sings, or in this case the skinny lady.

I don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I still feel pregnant and other times I just feel like shit. On top of that I've been so incredibly bloated that none of my jeans or pants fit. Serio. I can't leave them buttoned. It makes me even more depressed.

Here are my sorry rising numbers (numbers are rounded):

8/14 - 2900+

8/17 - 3200+

8/20 - 3400+

That is a really weak rise considering they're suppose to be doubling. What gets to me is why is it that my numbers continue to rise [even if its very slow] when I supposedly could've miscarried over 3 weeks ago [ maybe even 4]. Why has my body not caught on. Or am I really some medical mystery and come Thursday we might see that an embryo has actually developed. I mean I've read these sort of miracle stories from other women, but I don't buy it.
Guess I'm just afraid of the ultimate let down on Thursday.

Keep lighting those candles, I think they're working.

Btw - today should've been week 9 for us. :(

The emotional rollercoaster continues....

This whole ordeal is really pushing me to my emotional and mental limits. After having a week to come to terms with what is happening and finally accepting our fate, I get a new fucking curve ball thrown at me.

Today was the day I was to hear back from my doc with the blood test results. So I get a call from my doc's nurse - here's how it went.

Nurse: Have you had your final blood test done?
Me: Yes, on Friday. I was only asked to do 2. One Tuesday & one Friday.
Nurse: Oh, ok. Just checking. Well it looks like your hCG levels are going up, so that's good.
Me: What! Uh....that's a suprise.
Nurse: [whispering & shocked] why? is there something wrong?
Me: Um yeah...I had come to terms with the fact that I was most likely miscarrying. I've been spotting for 3 weeks and some of it has been red.
Nurse: Oh...well...lemme check your numbers again.
Nurse: Yup, they're going up. You went from 2902 to 3230.
Me: Really....well that's not a big change, but I can't believe it's going up.
Nurse: It's definitely a good sign, but I don't want to say much more as I'd rather have the doctor see this first. I wouldn't want to get your hopes up.
Me: No worries. I totally understand. So when can I expect this call?
Nurse: She'll be in later today.
Me: Thanks, bye.

I proceed to take many deep breaths while screaming "Oh.my.fucking.gawd" [i'm sorry if you're offended but i use profanities like this quite often - AND thanked GAWD my boss is on vacation and I can use such language]. At this point I'm shaking and the only thing I can think of is the wine bottle I polished off on Friday. Did I jump the gun on this one? But I was so sure it was over! Holy mother of all things green, I now wait for the doc's call. My guess is i'll be sent in for another blood test to see the rise. Hopefully another ultrasound to check for changes.

You cyber peoples don't even know what this is doing to me.

Can I share another piece of info. I was pretty upset yesterday [although I didn't show it or even mention it to G]. I had had my 2nd baby dream. I was so upset because thats the last thing I wanted to be dreaming. But the baby was only a little bigger than the last dream and looked exactly the same. And again it was a girl. This was so emotionally upsetting, but now that I think about it. Could my own body be sending me subliminal messages? I felt pretty shitty last night. Literally. I've been pooping like crazy, and most of the time it's not "normal." TMI - pretty loose stools. And the wierd part is that my stomach doesn't hurt. I hurt lower in my abdomen. Then I got super bloated like I had been feeling before our Seattle trip. I woke up today just as bloated if not worse. Which made me think twice since i hadn't felt this way in since we got back from Seattle [which was when I "knew" something was wrong].

***************

Speaking of the devil [as the saying goes]...

Nurse just called and asked that I have another blood test done to check my levels. Hopefully they'll have the results tomorrow, and then they'll have me go in on Thursday.

I can't even think straight anymore. I'm going right now to do this blood test.

Grieving

Last night was hard. yesterday was hard. I was so sad all day. I couldn't even smile. Like it hurt to smile. At one point last night I was watching "So you think you can dance" while G was playing soccer, and they had this kid doing some assome pop-blocking so I started to smile, and immediately the tears started streaming down my face. The smile disappeared like it had hurt or something. After that, every time I almost smiled, I cried instead. It sucked! I had no control, but I had been holding back tears all day. Once G was home and we were finally in bed, I felt the sadness hitting its peak. As soon as he asked me to move closer to him and lay my head on his chest the flood gates opened. I began crying quietly at first and then it got stronger. I can't even explain how you cry, but I guess it really is like when a loved one dies and you just can't help but cry and feel sad. That continued for almost an hour [on & off]. We didn't talk...just comfort each other. I could tell G was quietly letting some tears out too.

When we were finally done [or at least thought it was safe to talk] I asked G if he was ok. He finally opened up and told me how sad he was and how hard it has been to be so strong for me [flood gates re-opened]. He said he worries about me constantly. Whether I'm physically and mentally ok. And finally he told me what opened up his flood gates....he had just told his step-mom what had happened. I had been bugging him to tell his dad, but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to do it. So when he had a moment alone with his step-mom he told her and asked that she tell his dad. The sadness in G's voice was stabbing pain in my heart. I breaks me to see him so sad. I realize that he may not know just how sad I feel, but I also do not know how sad he feels. We are both trying to cope - blindly learning as we go.

I found the post below on a "grieving dads" bulletin board that shows just how painful it is for men.

"My wife and I were expecting our first child, it's something we've both dreamed of for a while. She was more than happy, I've never seen her so overjoyed. I've also never felt so empty and helpless when we went in for the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks to find out it's a Molar pregnancy [an abnormality during pregnancy; chorionic villi around the fetus degenerate and form clusters of fluid-filled sacs; usually associated with the death of the fetus ].

I was able to be the good, strong husband at first. Supportive, and caring. I made the phone calls to the family and friends, intercepted as many calls as possible from getting to her. I was doing ok until I made the last call, the one to my own parents. I broke down just as I was telling my own mother, I can't imagine the pain she felt for me."

I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least there was no embryo, so an actual baby didn't die. But you gotta understand that in our minds it was a baby. We were at 8 weeks expecting to see a fully formed baby with a heart beat. Every Tuesday night [the end of a new week] G would read to me the development of the baby for that week. So we were very aware of what should have been and we were fully engrossed with what we thought was a baby growing inside me. So it's just as painful.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see the screen. I'm sure my boss is gonna walk in any minute and freak out. In an hour I will go get my 2nd blood draw to compare my hCG numbers and confirm the inevitable.

The beginning to the end

I had really been hoping that this would all resolve itself naturally. I do not want a D&C [surgical procedure] to clean me out. I really want my body to just take care of it naturally, and I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Good news, I started bleeding last night. More like my brown spotting is becoming redder by the hour. No pain yet, but definitely having that "i think my period is about to start any minute now" feeling. So hopefully this is the beginning of the end.

***UPDATE: Red is gone and back to brown. *sigh*

And then there were two....

Yesterday I found out I miscarried. :( It was our first appt. at what should have been 8 weeks but an ultrasound found nothing. Just an empty sack that probably stop trying to make a baby at 5 weeks. I suppose the medical term for this is a "missed miscarriage" or "blighted ovum."

At this point I'm fine. Like for reals, I am already moving on. I had a good cry with G last night. We both allowed ourselves to be sad for 1 day [i'm sure we'll need more days]. But we both understand that things like this happen and it means nothing more than what it is. I guess I'm more in shock than anything. Still feel numb and not sure how to feel. Sadness just hits me all of a sudden. It's amazing how fast one gets attached to what you think is baby growing inside of you. It wasn't planned but we were both so happy. Especially G who wants kids so bad. My motherly instincts seriously kicked in when I saw that positive pregnancy test. So it still feels like I've lost something close.

Crazy part is that I've had that bad gut feeling for over a week [before leaving to Seattle]. At some point I just really started to feel different and started worrying [secretly]. By this weekend I knew something wasn't right. So when the ultrasound showed nothing I showed nothing. No emotion, just a strong agreeing with the doctor that there was still hope. But I know its over. She said I could have just ovulated late and i'm actually 5 weeks rather than 8 weeks. But that is so unlikely considering i wasn't on birth control and have been regular [to the day and sometimes hour] for over 2 years. So this process is being dragged out. I was sent in for blood testing yesterday to start checking if my hormone levels are doubling as they should in a healthy pregnancy. I do another test on Friday to compare and then just wait for the call. I hate waiting. It was hard enough waiting 8 weeks [really a month] for our first appt. The other sucky part was having the nurse and doctor ask if I even felt pregnant. OF COURSE DUMB ASS! I feel "different" but still totally pregnant! My boobs still hurt, my bladder still fills up in minutes, the muscles in my uterus still stretch and hurt and I'm still hungry 24/7!!

That's I'll i got for now. I've been talking some much with G that I literally cannot type everything that I feel right now. Too much.

Self Imposed Bed Rest

I'm gonna make this a quickie post since I have a terrible throbbing headache since 3 days ago.

I've been on a self imposed bed rest since Saturday. On Friday night I had some pretty uncomfortable cramps. Worse than the mild ones I had been experiencing. I sorta weird but not really. Tried not to think about it. Well Saturday morning I get up to pee and when I wipe low and behold there's red blood on the toilet paper. Not brown...but bright red. I put my freak out on pause and wipe again to double check and there it is...more blood. I star at it a good 3 minutes and then flush and proceed to tell G. I then break down and start sobbing.

Red blood is the one major fear I have had thus far. When I think miscarriage, I think red blood. Since I had been so worried with the brown spotting and then the cramps, when I saw red there was no way I could get it together and not worry. After letting out a good cry I composed myself since I didn't really know if it was bad. G left to take my parents to the airport and I stayed behind in case the bleeding continued and I had to drag my ass the the ER. THANK GOD that was the last of the blood. I did not see red again and have been on bed rest since holding out till our appt. tomorrow. I took it as a good sign that it was just a little bit and went away right away. I've read about people bleeding a bit and being fine so I did not want to over react and rush to the ER.

We'll find out the meaning of this tomorrow. And. I. am. so. scared. Saturday was the first day I actually thought I might be losing this baby. I was shocked at my reaction and how fast you become attached to an embryo that you think is growing inside of you. It's amazing. Motherly instincts kick right in I suppose. Please keep your finger crossed for us and hope that everything goes well tomorrow. I'm trying the think happy thoughts and talk to ET so it knows we want him it to be strong and stick around. And this coming form the girl who said she'd never talk to her belly!

Life Size

I googled "7 weeks pregnant" in images and got this one back. A life size model of a 7 week fetus. Crazy!

Minor Freak Out

For over a week now I've been trying to remain calm and not freak out about some little brown spotting I've been having. I keep reading that as long as it's not red it's nothing to worry about. But after more than a week and random little cramps here an there - how can I not worry!?!? Every time I go to the restroom and wipe I check the toilet paper and I check my undies. And let me tell you, that's a lot of times! I tend to pee about every hour! And twice in the middle of the night! I am so afraid to go pee and see red. So today....to put my mind at ease I mustered up the courage to call my doctors office [I'm Mexican and do not run to call the doctor unless I'm in pain or think I'm dying - BUT if i would call because i think I'm dying...why would I wait to call if I think my baby might be dying? hmmm...interesting point Gaby...should've seen it that way before - anyway....continuing]. I was sooo scared and nervous! My voice was even shaky! I didn't want to sound paranoid so I told the nurse it had been going on for a while and wanted to know if I should get worried. She assured me that as long as it was brown there was nothing to worry about and it was something that could wait till our appointment this coming Tuesday. Still....I'm not completely convinced. She then told me to take it easy, lie down as much as possible, don't lift anything heavy, and absolutely no sex [not that its happening since we're both too freaked out to do anything until our appt.]!

So what's on the agenda for this weekend? A lot of "taking it easy" and "lying down." Good times...not really. But seriously....I hope the weekend zips by. This waiting business gets harder by the day.


Also - my jeans are getting tight. Is this something I should be concerned about as I am only 7 weeks along? I'm beginning to think so. I don't want to gain weight so rapidly. Then again, according to the scale I haven't really gained anything. Seems it's just my expanding waist line [just like my boobs :(]. Scary!

waiting is hard to do

In 5 days we will finally get to see ET [maybe just hear the little rapid heart beat] and it feels more like 5 months. This waiting period is seriously beginning to take a toll on both G and I. It gets harder and harder to believe a little pee test that this is for real. Having to wait till the 8th week is some of the hardest waiting time ever. For me it's a bit easier than G. I can feel all the changes going on in my body and I know something is going on and is different. But for G, he only goes by what I say and how I act. Men really do need that visual confirmation more than a women. He needs to hear a medical professional say that we are having a baby.

This time, however, is also filled with much fear and an uneasy anxiety. I am at the point where I am constantly fearing our appointment. What if there is no heart beat? What if ET stopped growing? Will I be able to handle that sort of news? There are days when I don't feel anything and don't feel pregnant. Those are the scary days. In 7 weeks I have become so attached to my little one that I can't imagine having to go back "to normal." I keep hearing that the loss of a fetus at any age is as hard as the loss of a child at any age. Especially when it's your first child. Of course I stop myself from thinking such horrible thoughts. ET needs my happy vibes. I do tell ET every night that I can't wait to hear it's little heart fluttering away. That I hope he/she is growing strong. But truth be told, I'm scared shit less and so is G.

In happier news, I hadn't posted in over a week because work had been busy in preparation for our vacay and we have lost our free wireless internet signal at home. But we are now back from a great relaxing vacation in Seattle [see picture]. I felt great. I was worried about flying and having the gods curse me with morning sickness at the start of our vacation, but THANK GOD I am still ok [knocking on wood]. My mom is constantly asking if I'm sick yet. No mom....be happy instead of shocked.


My hormones are also in full swing right now. I am crying at every opportunity. For example, I hate Barry Bonds. But when he gave that thank you speech and cried thinking about his dad...well best believe I was right there crying too. And I couldn't even hold back! it was terrible. I am also getting angry and annoyed for the dumbest things. But whatcha gonna do. G has been very good about keeping calm when I'm not. He's really learning to "go with the flow." LOL It's a learning process for us all.

1st Baby Dream

Before I answer that work call - let me share my dream from last night [or early this morning].

It's my first baby dream since this crazy ride began. I dreamed we had just brought home our baby girl! The dream was so vivid. I remember every detail of our baby's face. She had the most beautiful, lightest blue/green eyes [which could be possible]. Of course this was a dream so it wasn't all happiness. We were so excited the first night she was home I forgot to feed her! It wasn't till the next day when she was crying inconsolable that I realized I hadn't fed her. So I began to breast feed her which calmed her down immediately. She then fell asleep in my arms and it was the most amazing feeling. I just starred at her while she slept.

I woke up on such a high. I was so freakin happy and giddy. I started rubbing my belly and telling my baby I wanted it to stick because I really really couldn't wait to meet her. I am now convinced we're having a girl. The Chinese lunar calendar predicts a girl too. I woke up G and told him my dream and he just smiled and gave a chuckle. I don't think he really woke up.

This whole finding out you're pregnant business is sorta crazy and at first you're not really sure what to think. Especially when you weren't exactly "trying." But now I know this is so right and I can't wait to have this baby. However, the fear of a miscarriage is more present now than ever.
After I woke up [4am] I felt my stomach start to growl. This is the 2nd night/morning I wake up starving at 4am. I haven't giving in and I refuse to get up and eat. But I think I'm gonna have to give in soon. Have some toast or something. That is....if morning sickness doesn't get the best of me first. :(

It ain't easy being queasy

I'm queasy. Don't really feel like barfing just yet, but definitely have that fullness in the throat sick feeling where I have to keep swallowing a lot. As long as I don't feel extra saliva building up I think I'm ok. This is sucks. I was really hoping I would be one of those few lucky women that al other pregnant women hate because they don't get sick. Dang it. I knew it was too much to ask for when my mother told me she was sick for all 9 months with me.

Today I'm at 6 weeks. This means that I'm right on schedule to get morning [aka all day] sickness. I was so fine and then I had some apple juice that really filled me up. Then I had half of an onion bagel and some decaf coffee and I think that did me in. I think I should stop the coffee since the acidity could be affecting my tummy. I <3 you coffee! I never want to let you go.

I also really didn't want to start m/s [morning sickness] before our Seattle trip. Now that would SUCK.

Work calls...better answer.

Sick sad little world

I just felt sick for the first time. I literally almost threw up reading this news story about a woman who kept getting pregnant and killing her babies. Most not even carried to full-term. SICK....sick sick sick....

Read the story here.

So many worries...

G & I spent the better part of yesterday obsessing about the future and becoming crazy worry rats. It's incredible how soon you begin to worry about a teeny being that you have yet to even see in an ultrasound. I worry every second of the day. Wondering if ET has a heartbeat as the books say it should, whether my cramps are normal, or the light spotting is normal. It's scary stuff! You become attached to this new being growing inside of you from the first minute you find out you're pregnant. And this is only the beginning of so much more worrying to come. A lifetime of worrying to be exact.

Emotions over took the better part of me last night and I almost broke down crying thinking about how much parents [mine to be exact] can love a little ET and how much worrying they do. I thought about my mom and how exciting it must have been for her to be pregnant with me and to have me - the first child. How much worrying she must have done, and then I cry when I think of what an ungrateful little brat I was for most of my teenage years. Don't get me wrong, I was a good kid, but boy did I have a mouth and I knew how to use it. This is empathy.....empathy for my parents and all they went through. I suppose this is the only time you can feel that. I wish I could tell my mom, but I have grown up with little to no communication with my mother. We talk about the obvious stuff, but not the emotional real life stuff. Typical Mexican parent I suppose. Something that made me vow never to be this way with my own children. So mom, you'll never read this, but I'm sorry for being a little shit after all the worrying and love you gave to me. And thank you for putting up with me and loving me in your own way all these years.

Oh no.....the water works are starting.

In Awe

Realizing today that our ET in now officially an embryo and has a beating heart! ET has a heart! Holy cow that's amazing. Apparently, since there's a heart the body will stop developing a bit and the brain will now be the focus. The brain is needed to help control the heart and blood pumping to all the right places. CRAZYNESS! I think I will pretty much be amazed throughout the entire 9 months....or the 8 that are left.


Oh yeah - and I'm still super bloated after I eat and can't have my pants buttoned anymore. The only time they button is when I first wake up. Can't wait to go home and put something more comfortable on!

And our little club of people who "know" continues to grow. We are soooo not going to be able to keep our mouths shut through the first trimester. oh well...

Bloating

Ugh! I've been so bloated the last 2 days! I feel like I'm gonna burst. It's like when my cousin Cat hasn't taken a dump in a few days and she gets all super bloated where her pants are tight....yeah...that's how I feel. My pants are super tight [but i have been crapping so it sucks more]. I have been wearing my loose pants everyday. And by the end of the day I can't even leave them buttoned when I sit. Yesterday I had to kept them unbuttoned at work when I was sitting! I can only imagine what's gonna happen. I already feel like such an ogre. I know I gained a few pounds already. Must be the not watching carbs and too much napping not enough walking [and no more soccer....so sad]. Gotta take control of that. I don't want to gain 50 lbs and then be fucked at the end. Plus, I'm too small to carry an extra 50 lbs. But I guess I won't have a problem with the napping part. I seem to have lost my sleeping bug. I seem to sleep really good for about 4 hours at night and then the rest of the time is spent tossing and turning and staring at the clock. Sucks. And I have been going to sleep late and not napping. I hear this happens though. Then the sleepiness returns. Guess I better take advantage and get some stuff done before I have no energy again.

ET

When is ET gonna grow a face? Or at least outgrow that tail? Can't wait to open this page up and find that I am no longer housing something that resembles an alien. At least ET had a head.

Last night, G and I were thinking about all the dumb asses out there that have no idea that they're pregnant until they end up give birth in the an airplane bathroom or something, and we just don't get it. I am mean I am only 5 weeks along and there are already obvious changes happening. Something even G notices. I feel so much going on that how can you not know. I mean it's not like I can feel an actual human being growing yet, but things feel different around the area of my uterus. The cramping has subsided for the time being, but there are just days when things feel different. Maybe I'm just really in tune with my body and really looking out for things since I know, but still. I don't buy it. There is just too much going on to not know for 9 fucking months that you are not pregnant. Of course, if I wasn't expecting it at first I would automatically assume I was becoming ill [ala my cuz C]. I totally understand that. But to really have absofuckinglutely no clue for 40 weeks! No way. What happens when the kid gets the hiccups? Or starts doing cartwheels? I mean seriously....what goes through these women/girls minds when they feel that? "Must've been that bean burrito I had for lunch." Seriously? What about labor pains? "Dang, feels like that burrito is really ready to come out. I should go take a dump." For the love of all things shiny!

Discoveries & Changes

It seems that for the time being my posts are going to consist of new discoveries and changes I am experiencing. Since I know nothing else! Here is a list of some "new" discoveries and changes that occurred over the weekend.

• Black Poo - yes, my poo is almost black. Good thing I just read that this could happen with all the iron in the prenatal vitamins or else I would have been flipping out!
• Leg cramps - something else I have read is common in pregnant women. I was afraid of this since I have got cramps in my calves quite frequently in the past. On Saturday, we were at a wedding and I almost got a cramp 3 times! Scary. I bet my heels and the cold didn't help. But I was staying hydrated. I have also been waking up to an almost pull in the middle of the night when I stretch. So scary. I hate leg cramps.
  
• Muscle Pulling? - I keep feeling maybe a muscle just over my left pelvis that sort-a feels like it's pulling. I feel it when I turn certain ways and I suddenly become afraid that its a cramp in my uterus and ET is growing in my fallopian tube. I know I'm just paranoid. But it feels weird. Sometimes it hurts and it lasts a good 10 second and then goes away. Weird.
• I've been sleeping like a corpse. I can pass out anywhere now and not feel a thing! It's crazy! And I still wake up tired. These days I also can't seem to make it past 9pm. And that's pushing. Friday into Saturday I slept a good 13 hours and still was struggling to stay awake at a wedding at 10:30pm. As soon as I got in the car I was out until our exit.
• Cheeseburger - I saw a Wendy's commercial last night for their something bacon cheeseburger and ever since then I really really want a cheeseburger. Like just cheese, meat, and bun. I even told G half asleep last night that I still wanted a cheeseburger. Seems to me it's gonna be tough to convince this man to go out and get me anything. I'm sure he thinks it's all in my head at this point since it's so early in the game, but dammit I really want a cheeseburger! Maybe I shouldn't have said I didn't want to eat fast food when pregnant. Oh well...

In other news, I bought the Week by Week book everyone raves about and G can't put it down! He was reading that last night while I read The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy and we watched Extreme Home Makeover. He is absolutely amazed at how many changes my body is going through. It's cute....I <3 him. At this point I am also counting down the days until I get the dreaded morning sickness. I know it's my inevitable future. My mom was telling me she had it ALL NINE MONTHS with me! That is freakin insanity. I'm so scared. My sister says she got it in her 3rd month. A little better but still scary. We'll see I guess. Oh yeah - my parentals know now. I had to tell them Friday. I couldn't resist. My mom freaks out every time she thinks I'm sick and I couldn't keep lying to her. So we broke the news when we headed over to their house for dinner. They were so surprised. I told them they were going to grandparents again and I started to cry and then my dad hugged me and he teared up big time! [now I'm tearing up again just thinking about it] It was great. They were totally happy. We told them they couldn't tell anyone yet since we haven't even seen the doctor yet. Our first apt. is on Aug. 14th and maybe then we'll start spreading the news to more family. I'm sure my mom will not be able to contain herself. I predict she'll tell at least 3 other people. Also, my mom did take the opportunity to say she wishes we would have been a bit more "stable" before starting a family. That crazy lady still think we're gonna become rich. Sad little eyes she sees the world through. But that's my mother!

Oh yeah - and brother's reaction after I told him he would be an uncle again, "Who? You guys? Ha!" Totally gave us that "sucks to be you" laugh....yeah....that's my little brother I love too. My cousin J was also there a happened to overhear. So now she knows too. I know we can count on her to keep her mouth shut. Man this is tough! I don't think we'll make it till 8/14 to tell more people!

Since the BFP....

So what's been going on in the meantime? You mean symptoms? Honesty, aside from the mild cramping and some bloating, absolutely nada! I feel nothing else. But random shit does come up.

Random Incident #1
I want spicy food. Everything that I eat in turn must be spicy. And if it isn't then I must add something spicy. It all tastes sooooooo much better! This just began yesterday. It's strangely odd to me since I hadn't been eating much in terms of chile.

Random Incident #2
I get home and pass out on the bed. Like it literally take me all 5 seconds to fall into a deep sleep that lasts at least 2 hours. I am getting tired. I feel it. At night it also takes me a few seconds to pass out. I was the one that was always envious of those who could fall asleep fast while I laid in bed tossing & turning for a good 30 minutes. Today after lunch I though my face was gonna hit my keyboard. It seems to come in waves. I'll be driving home and suddenly I can't even find the strength to keep pushing the gas pedal. It's quite strange.

Random Incident #3
Finally got my first bout of moodiness. I left work at almost 5pm in a semi-not-so-happy-mood. I called G to ask what was for dinner, and got even more moody when he said leftovers [he had to go to soccer soon so he didn't cook]. I finally get home, pull in to our back parking lot and find that some asshole has once again parked his car in a diagonal with the fucking emergency lights blinking and blocking my parking space! I fucking hate this! Like if there wasn't any street parking! UGH! I waited for about 10 mins, repeatedly honking my horn hoping the jerk would take a hint and nada. No one ever came. Except our nice neighbor who let me park in their space in the meantime. So this whole time I was on the phone with G and I was in such a rage because he had no power over the situation. I got out of my car and didn't even look at him. Just walked on by. In all my rage I got the mail flipped through it. Found a card from my sister that made me cry [more on the crying in a bit]. Got so mad I cried that I went to the bedroom put on my PJ's and went to slept. Later that night I apologized to my hubby for being so psychotic and like a good husband and daddy-to-be he sympathetically told me not to worry, that he knew I needed to be angry sometimes and that I also needed my space when I got home. I <3 G! Amazing how all of a sudden he's so understanding and not just asking what the fuck is wrong with me.

Random Incident #4
Food. Something happened to my taste buds last night. Breakfast was sorta bland, but I didn't think twice when lunch tasted great! But then dinner....now that was a bad experience. Since G was having leftovers I did to. I heated up some bbq chicken and rice-a-roni. Nothing tasted right. I was bland and had a weird almost flavor. I could not for the life of me figure out what new flavor of rice-a-roni G must have used. Later that night he confirmed it was plain ole chicken. I swear it didn't taste like chicken. I threw my food away. I think got some left over pasta with meat sauce that once again did not taste like it should have. So I decided to load that one up with the asian red chili sauce which made it edible. It's scary when your the only one who can't taste the food. Later that night I cautiously had some lucky charms to get another calcium serving, and thank the good lord jesus that tasted look delicious lucky charms. My taste buds are back.

Random Incident #4
So not only did I start bawling with the congratulations card my sister sent us, but today I have been an emotional mess. I want to cry with everything! I was thinking about telling my mom today and I teared up. I read some ideas on how to tell your dad and started crying. My sister tells me in a text how she's so excited about us now bonding as mother's and I teared up. I told G what my sister said and started to cry. Yeah.....this is gonna be tough.


SIDE NOTE:
So far only the Fab 4 know about us being preggers. By the time this blog is made public there will be many more members, but as of now the Fab 4 are made up of myself, G, my sister, and my fab friend A. The first 2 are a given. My sister....well thats a given too. And A, she's been right there with me for the last almost year. She's my support system in the marriage world we got ourselves into. Without her I might be recently divorced. I tell her everything and vice-versa. She probably even knew I was preggers before I did. ;o)

Enough mushy stuff cause I'm tearing up again.

BFP!

Since I'm posting this 3 days after my BFP it's still a bit fresh and sureal. Not sure where to start, what to say, what not to say. But as an introduction, I do wanna say that I have started this blog [like so many other P women] to document this new crazy ass adventure G & I are about to embark on. Confused by my acronyms yet? Just wait...

On Tuesday, July 17th, I decided to take an HPT [home pregnancy test]. The hubs and I weren't exactly "trying" but we weren't exactly "not trying" either. So, since we had been humping like rabbits in the last month with absolutely no protection, I decided to test [I waited until the day AF (aunt flo) was suppose to show up]. Something was already up that led me to test. I had been spotting for 4 days straight and had mild cramps for about a week already [very unlike me], and my boobs hurt like hell! TMI - my nipples also hurt like a mo'fo. So I took a digital test, wrapped it in toilet paper, set it on the counter and began my day. I brushed my teeth [gagged a little], combed my hair and then notice the tissue had come undone. I look down at the test and there it was......PREGNANT.....O.....M......G.....I stared at the test for a good 5 minutes continuously saying "omg."

Even though I had an inkling that this would be the outcome I was still totally shocked to see it come up. I mean it only took like less than 2 min. to show up. I grabbed the test and ran into our bedroom, jumped on our bed and scared the crap outta G. I waited a few seconds for him to gain contentiousness and then held the test in front of his face. He then looked at it confused for about 20 seconds. Looked at me.....looked at the stick....looked at me....asked if he was dreaming....looked at the stick.....i started bawling! He knew it was real. Yeah I cried for a bit and he's just in shock. He wanted me to go out and buy more tests...lol. We joked that at least he wasn't shooting blanks and how crazy it was it happened on the first not so real "try." After about 15 min. of laying in bed in a daze he asks, "so what's next?" "So much!" I replied.

SUREAL! Nothing prepares you for moments like that. So here I am. 3 days after my BFP [Big Fat Positive]. That same day I paid a visit to my doc's nurse who promptly made me pee in a cup and got nothing. He had me take a test home to use early the next morning. You see....morning pee is the best. It's not diluted yet and the pregnancy hormone is more likely to show up on a test. Sure enough there were 2 lines the next morning. Another visit to the nurse to prove it and I was off with many congrats and a an appointment with a new OB. Coincidently the OB I chose delivered my niece, so I know we're in good hands.

The sad/hard part is that our first appointment isn't until August 14th. That's a long ass time to wait. What the fuck are we suppose to do until then? Buy a million books to edumakate ourselves? Plus, we have a Seattle trip in 2 weeks and I'm suddenly afraid to leave my home. I feel like I should be on bedrest until we hear a heart beat and get confirmation. I just don't trust pee I guess. G is having a hard time believing it too. But I guess it's real. Still no AF. Boobies still hurt like a mo'fo.

So allow me to recap and say that this was NOT planned. But we could not be any more ecstatic about it. Almost 8 months into our marriage, but this is not what we had planned for the first year. But most of you reading this that know us also know that G has wanted kids since we were dating. So really, you shouldn't be that surprised. In the last 2 months I had really been worried about pregnancy and wondering if it would be difficult for us since I only have 1 ovary. Well.....we got our answer. My 1 baby is working like a rock star! Popping out eggs in a timely fashion. And G....well....he's happy his little swimmers work! LOL

Now the stats -
How far along? 4 weeks 3 days
EDD [Estimated Delivery Date]: March 26, 2008
Baby's Daddy? Come on now! I'm just busting your chops. [sorry babe....didn't mean to offend you. luv ya!]