A double edged sword

***For a recap of our weekend getaway to Vegas, lease check out my regular blog.


A question was asked today on a message board I frequent for pregnant women who have experienced a loss [Success after Loss - The Nest Baby]. In our weekly check-in, a woman asked, "If you could, would you go back, rewrite history, and NOT have your m/c [miscarriage]? "

This is a very loaded question and really made me think hard about it.

I would never change history. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. To see G grieving right there with me was hard. It was harder for me to see him that sad than to actually be sad...if that makes sense. But it has made us so much stronger, brought us closer, and has really allowed us to treasure this pregnancy so much more. And it has definitely made me appreciate my body and it's wisdom.

On the other hand, because of my m/c I feel that I have been too scared to really enjoy this pregnancy. I'm always worried about something and not 100% happy. I wish I wasn't scared and was still ignorantly blissful.

It's a double edged sword.

Very Late Update

I forgot to come back and update. I ended up getting a visit from AF on friday the 26th. I had a 28 day cycle which is assome. My body isn't all fucked up afterall. However, AF has been sticking around a little longer than usual. I'm at CD7 and still spotting.

Nothing else to report. All has been well in the emotional front. Except that maybe we won't be trying for a baby just yet. At least not this cycle. I need to get back that sense of normalcy for getting back on the baby making track. But this is an issue that continues to flip flop in my head. Only time will tell.

Update

HPT was negative this morning.
That's good.....I guess.
I feel pretty indifferent about it.
Still nauseous though.
We'll see if AF shows up by the end of next week.
No more testing until then.

Aunt Flow is a Bitch

This is like the period from hell! And I've had bad one's in the past.

I am so nauseous! I have never experienced nausea with AF. I was nauseous all day yesterday, I couldn't even go to sleep because of it. I finally got up and took some Tylenol PM that knocked me out. And again today. I am sitting here at work and I feel like I'm gonna be sick! I've also had pretty painful constant cramps that won't go away with anything. I take maximum strength Midol...nothing. I take 2 Motrin....nothing. I take Tylenol.....nothing. I think this is the time to start using the stronger prescription ibuprofen my doc gave me after my D&C.

I'd rather have my 1 day of super [crouched in the fetal position with cold sweats] painful cramps for a day, than this bullshit. I was use to my painful cramps. This is way worse. I just feel like crap. Weak, sick, in pain. Oh yeah....and throw in a heavier flow....just for kicks.

Ups & Downs

I'm so over the downs. They come outta nowhere. No matter how much time has gone by or what good has come....the pain that we felt that first day, after the loss, continues to hold refuge in my heart. When it hurts, it doesn't hurt any less than that first day.

Yesterday was bittersweet. I woke up to an old friend - Aunt Flow. I had been patiently waiting and was very happy to see her. 25 days after the spotting from the D&C ended....AF arrived. It finally feels like I'm normal. It's good to know my body has healed. If only I was completely healed.

By the end of the day I was in an emotional rut. I never thought that something that I wanted so bad [AF] could bring back the pain. I was telling G that it felt like the end of a chapter. A chapter that ended much too soon. Since it is something that I still wish had never happened, and I'm still upset about, the end of this chapter was hard to swallow. As soon as I got in bed and let my guard down, the tears began to flow. I cried like the first day. A final goodbye....one last good cry.

From here we can only go up. I fill my head with positive thoughts every day, yesterday was an exception. I now will only look forward, leaving the sad memories locked away.

I still want a baby more than ever [even though the thought scares me more than ever], and I have a feeling we may not make it the 3 months requested by the doc. Honestly, I think I want to try again this month. Only G & I can say when we're ready. And believe me, we both are. Sometimes I feel like its he only way to heal. So here's to a new month and a new chapter. We'll see how it goes.

Pain pain go away....

Funny how the pain never goes away. At least not yet....for me. I thought I had moved on. I thought I was fine. Nothing was bothering me anymore. But then I find out about a pregnancy that sends me back into the emotional rut. Suddenly that heavy feeling in my chest is back and I find myself fighting back tears. I don't want to feel this way. It isn't by choice. It just still hurts.....more than I could ever have imagined. Miscarriages suck - don't they.

All Clear

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything was out. It all looked good and I was given the O.K. to resume normal activities. This makes me very happy as it has been about 2.5 weeks since my D&C. Now our lives can really get back to normal [hopefully AF makes an appearance in the near future]. I'm excited to have healed quickly and be able to start exercising again. I missed playing soccer so much! I even have new cleats I only used once! Can't wait for that. Also looking forward to all the hiking we're gonna be doing next week when we head up to Yosemite for 4 days. But after not exercising for almost 2 months I'm a bit worried about Yosemite. I'll have to do a lot of walking the next few days to ease back into it for our trip. On Wednesday we went to the Dodger game and I almost passed out after climbing all the damn steps to get to the reserve level. My calves were even sore the next day. That's how outta shape I am. We leave for Yosemite on Thursday and return Sunday. Great end of summer trip. Looking forward to leaving the city and breathing some clean air!

As for this weekend, I plan to not make plans. I need to get some stuff organized in my life and get ready for our trip. My car has also been begging me for a car wash. Hopefully it'll be a productive weekend.

peaks & valleys: still waiting for that peak...

today is not a good day. yesterday and today have not been good days. i think the whole hormone change that i didn't experience right after my D&C is beginning to happen now. Yesterday I was super emotional. Everything was making me cry. Didn't help it was 9/11 and a lot of sad stories were circulating the internet and i just happened to read most of them. Once home, i cried with tv. Especially thru the entire 2 hour season premier of the "The Biggest Loser." I even started to cry when I realized I was watching the series finale of "Gilmore Girls." The ending was so good it made me cry. what. the. fuck.

Today - i'm totally hormonal and PMSing. I have a short fuse for everything. Things I usually shrug off are getting to me today and everything feels like an attack on me. i feel fine and haven't been giving my weight gain much thought since i haven't been feeling oger-ish. But getting on that scale today and adding another pound to the tally wasn't not fun. I shrugged it off like nothing but been thinking about it all day. and the worst part is that i can't find it in me to start eating better and stop eating crap all day long. i don't want to stop. i can't stop. i can't go for walks. i can't gather the strength to leave my couch.

work is really getting on my nerves. i can't stand it today. i just want to lock myself in an empty room and sit there with my computer all alone.

I went to my moms for lunch and all the crying kids [my niece & cousins kid] were driving me mad. i hardly ate. then my mom has to throw in her weekly comment on my appearance. today it was the hair. about how greasy it looks and she doesn't understand how it happens and why i don't wash it everyday. same fucking discussion everyday. so. over. it. how many times do i have to say - it was fine this morning but now its greasy. i can't wash it everyday because my hair is too thin and dries out. its a scalp problem that no hair dresser has an answer for. leave. me. the. fuck. alone. i left after 30 min. and now i'm back at work 20 min. early.

i wish i could just go home and crawl into bed and sleep the rest of this week away. i can't deal with things. my to do list is growing and i can feel the stress creeping in.
- i have 3 weeks to make 100 invites. 3 weeks! they want to mail them the 1st week of october. we just finalized a design & i have no supplies! stress #1.
- i need to make a new resume because i lost my old file so that i can email it to my cousin. she was expecting it monday. stress #2. i need to make time. i hate not having internet at home. i feel like i have 8 hours everyday to get shit done because once i'm home i'm cut off from the world. it's like working in construction in Alaska and only having a few hours of daylight. i'm pressed for time.
- then work calls and i can't focus on it because i want to work on personal shit that i don't get done at home. stress #3.
- i feel my home life falling apart. we sort of got back on track , but there's still so much to do. stress #4.
- our finances are killing us. it's getting harder and harder with no solution in sight. we haven't even bought groceries in 3 weeks because other items want a piece of our paychecks! stress #5.

now i'm trying to keep the tears behind my eyeballs. i can handle it, yet i want to just let go and break down. it's so easy to feel the depression grabbing hold of you and beginning to drag you away. i'm fighting it. i want to be ok. i want g & i to be ok. i want to be happy with our lives again. why is everything so hard sometimes?

Name Change

I just realized that the blog name should be changed. So it's gone from "Baby Geefunk" to "Making Baby Geefunk." But for some reason I wanna leave my old name design up. So I will - just under the new name.

Things that make me sad

Everyday I open up this blog, and then I hit "new post" and proceed to stare at a blank screen for about 15 min before finally closing the window. I have not had much to say these days. I have been doing great! Really moving on and trying not to let things make me sad. But some days...it's still hard. And today...just turned into one of those hard days.

One of the main things that make me sad these days are reading posts on the LA Nest message board. I graduated to the nest from the knot after getting married. I was starting to make an effort to become a regular poster, and then we got pregnant. So much of the talk on the nest is about babies and pregnancy, but I held back. I didn't want to say anything till we had our ultrasound. Well, we all know how that turned out. I also really didn't want to tell the girls on the nest about being P because so many of them have had and are stilling dealing with fertility issues. At first I felt sorta bad for getting pregnant on the first try. Especially when I never even mentioned to the nest that we were trying.

Where am I going with this? Recently, a few of the ladies on the nest who had problems conceiving....are now pregnant. It is the worst bitter sweet feeling in the world. i have secretly been rooting for these girls to get lucky and become pregnant. And now....i'm jealous! I think to myself - i lose my baby and these girls finally get pregnant! I KNOW - i can't think this way and need to stop, but this is my venting space so deal with it. I so bad want to be happy for them, but it's so hard. I now know. These girls must've felt this same way every time some one else announced their pregnancy. It's effing hard. But after this little moment here....i'm moving on.

Some other things that still make me sad:

- 3/26/08: our estimated due date
- women with small baby bumps - woulda been me.
- my prenatal vitamins - i stopped taking them and tend to stare at the bottle in the kitchen.
- GAP product (RED) baby onesie - we were gonna buythe Delive(red) onesie. Or buy them all.
- stupid celebrities getting pregnant
- pregnancy test commercials

Those are just some things. I know it'll go away [i hope] and soon enough we'll have something happy to look forward to, but it still sucks. Everyday...it sucks.

Now I wanna give a shout-out to nestie nickoletta100. After trying to concieve for 18 months, she is finally pregnant! I was so happy to read this today [haven't been on the nest lately]. I have read her baby making blog in the past, and she should come as an inspiration to many ladies out there struggling with fertility issues. Check her out at Baby Twiglet [formerly known as "Making Twiglet"]. Congrats!

Recovery

Finally an update for all of you that have been checking in, patiently waiting. [Thank you for caring] I would have updated sooner, but internet is hard to come by these days. So her I am, at my mom's....freeloading off their internet that I still pay! Don't ask me why. I guess that means I'm not really a freeloader if I pay it. Getting sidetracked here!

On Monday I checked in to the hospital at 10am for my D&C. It was a long process and it didn't help the doc was 30 min. late. I was taken in to the first room where I had to change into a gown and get in a hospital bed. I was immediately hooked up to an IV and blood was drawn to determine my type in case I needed a transplant. O+ - I knew that already. After being lonely for about 10 min., the nurse brought in my hubby to keep me company. We waiting around for a good 2 hours. I never felt nervous which was good. It was more of an eerie calm that came over me. After talking to the anesthesiologist and finally our doc, I was rolled down the hall into the surgery room. This room was COLD! It was weird to see all the tools that were gonna be used. All the other techs in the room talking nonchalant about their plans for the day. The anesthesiologist gave me the goods - along with a little something to ease me out of the surgery [best drug ever!]. They asked me to scoot onto the the surgery bed and I looked at the clocked and I was out.

I didn't realize I had knocked out till I woke up. It felt good like waking up from a nice sleep. Fast forward about 3 min. when the flood gates open. Out of nowhere I begin crying. Tears of a deep sadness. I had no idea where it came from and I couldn't stop. I had a nice nurse that talked to me and calmed me down. After about 30 min. I was rolled out to the recovery room. G was in the hall waiting for me. I was told I needed to pass 3 tests in order to be discharged.

1. Keep down fluids

2. Pee

3. Walk on my own

Once in the room, I had 2 boxes of apple juice and slept for about 30 min. I woke up and had to pee. Good sign as I had already passed a test. I made it to the restroom with little help and the nurse said I was ready to go. She also said it helped to be young - you have a nice recovery. Soon afterwards we were discharged into the hot Cali heat.

One of the things that sorta bothered me in the hospital, was constantly being asked why I was having a D&C done. And then you tell them miscarriage and they ask if it was your first and you say yes and they feel so sorry for you. I don't want or need more people feeling sorry. I don't need to be asked why I'm having an "abortion" procedure. Sucks.

Once home on Monday I just slept some more and ate. I was starving!!! I hadn't eaten since the day before as you have to fast. So by 3pm I was ravenous! For dinner my mom sent over some caldo de pollo and rice and jello and watermelon and grapes. She's the bestest. You know who else is the bestest? G - for talking 3 days off with me to make sure I was ok and had everything I needed. Thanks babe - you are also the bestest.

Recovery has been great. I have felt virtually no pain, just super mild cramps every now and then. Bleeding has been minimal - only light spotting. So it's good! I haven't even touched my pain meds. Crazy...I know.

Today was the only draw back. I took my antibiotics this mornings and immediately began to feel sick. I was dizzy, in a cold sweat, and thought I was going to be sick. It wasn't too bad at first so I headed to work. The drive only made it worse. I stayed at work just long enough to tell my boss I was gonna have to head home. I had been fine everyday, but today something didn't sit well. Could've been a combination of little sleep and being up early after a week of tons of sleep. So I headed home to make sure I didn't have a fever [fever could mean infection = scary] and then came to my moms to freeload off the a/c! ;o) I slept all morning and then had lunch, but I still feel a bit dizzy. Let's hope this doesn't last much longer.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post from the emotional aspect of this all. That is a post of its own.

Thanks everyone that has been reading and caring and texting me well wishes. It really really does help and makes me feel so lucky to have a assome bunch of great friends. Maybe some day you all won't be so shy to drop me comment! ;o)

**Here's hoping for a better September**

Confirmed Miscarriage

Yesterday our finally ultrasound confirmed that the sac was not gonna grow anymore. Medical term for this is "blighted ovum." My body still thinks it's pregnant even though nothing is developing. It was what G & I expected so we weren't devastated so to speak, but still super sad. I'm just happy to be able to move on. The doc said that it seemed that the sac didn't even develope past 4 weeks [if that far].

I have scheduled a D&C for Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 10am [with no eating since the night before] and the surgery will take place at noon. I'm taking work off until Wednesday and returning on Thursday. I know the time after the surgery will take its emotional toll. Especially since my hormones will be all outta whack afterwards.

I probably won't be posting again till afterwards since I don't have internet at home [which thinking about that makes me more sad that I won't have a connection to the e-world for so long]. But if I go to my moms house any day I'll definitely take a moment to update you loyal readers.

Wish me luck!

Official D-Day

***this post has been a draft until today 10-15-10. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was reading thru my posts when I found this one. So here it is.***


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Today is the day. I have a doctor's appt. at 2pm for an ultrasound that will finally tell us if I'm still pregnant or not. I am nervous about it, but more relieved that it will finally be over soon. I've decided that if I am indeed diagnosed with some sort of miscarriage I will have a D&C.

A D&C (dilatation and curettage) is sometimes performed to "complete" a miscarriage. Remaining fragments of decidual or endometrial lining are removed. If there is still embryonic or placental tissue left behind, this procedure will remove them.

I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to miscarry naturally or get this procedure done. I was thinking that if I miscarried about 3-4 weeks ago and haven't miscarried naturally yet, then who knows how much longer it'll take. I don't think I can wait for this to happen another 2-3 weeks. Or even 1 week. This how ordeal has been so emotionally draining that I would rather just start the healing process sooner than later. I live in a daze. I can't focus on anything else but my body. I need to be done with this so I can return to my life!

After talking to our doc I'll decide whether or not to schedule a D&C. If I do, then I'll schedule it for sometime mid next week. I'll most likely take the rest of the week off work and then have the weekend. Sucky thing is I'll have to tell my boss what's going and to top it off he's on vacay till next tues. or wed. So I don't even see when I could tell him.

In other related news, I have officially diagnosed myself as an emotional eater. I wish being depressed and down in the dumps would cause me to stop eating, but unfortunately I have the opposite reaction. I have been eating more than ever and the scale has not been nice to me. I am on almost at 7lbs of weight gain since finding out I was preggers. 4 of those lbs has been gained since finding out I was most likely miscarrying. Sucks because I had just lost some weight so I quickly gained more back. Really, this doesn't help in making me feel better.

Staying positive with little hopes

I get news today that my hCG levels went up, but only a tiny bit. Not near enough as they should. Or as the nurse put it, "my numbers are floundering." So now I have an ultrasound appt. for Thursday afternoon so that the doc can decide if this is a "viable" pregnancy. I really don't know what to think. I know it's not over till the fat lady sings, or in this case the skinny lady.

I don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I still feel pregnant and other times I just feel like shit. On top of that I've been so incredibly bloated that none of my jeans or pants fit. Serio. I can't leave them buttoned. It makes me even more depressed.

Here are my sorry rising numbers (numbers are rounded):

8/14 - 2900+

8/17 - 3200+

8/20 - 3400+

That is a really weak rise considering they're suppose to be doubling. What gets to me is why is it that my numbers continue to rise [even if its very slow] when I supposedly could've miscarried over 3 weeks ago [ maybe even 4]. Why has my body not caught on. Or am I really some medical mystery and come Thursday we might see that an embryo has actually developed. I mean I've read these sort of miracle stories from other women, but I don't buy it.
Guess I'm just afraid of the ultimate let down on Thursday.

Keep lighting those candles, I think they're working.

Btw - today should've been week 9 for us. :(

The emotional rollercoaster continues....

This whole ordeal is really pushing me to my emotional and mental limits. After having a week to come to terms with what is happening and finally accepting our fate, I get a new fucking curve ball thrown at me.

Today was the day I was to hear back from my doc with the blood test results. So I get a call from my doc's nurse - here's how it went.

Nurse: Have you had your final blood test done?
Me: Yes, on Friday. I was only asked to do 2. One Tuesday & one Friday.
Nurse: Oh, ok. Just checking. Well it looks like your hCG levels are going up, so that's good.
Me: What! Uh....that's a suprise.
Nurse: [whispering & shocked] why? is there something wrong?
Me: Um yeah...I had come to terms with the fact that I was most likely miscarrying. I've been spotting for 3 weeks and some of it has been red.
Nurse: Oh...well...lemme check your numbers again.
Nurse: Yup, they're going up. You went from 2902 to 3230.
Me: Really....well that's not a big change, but I can't believe it's going up.
Nurse: It's definitely a good sign, but I don't want to say much more as I'd rather have the doctor see this first. I wouldn't want to get your hopes up.
Me: No worries. I totally understand. So when can I expect this call?
Nurse: She'll be in later today.
Me: Thanks, bye.

I proceed to take many deep breaths while screaming "Oh.my.fucking.gawd" [i'm sorry if you're offended but i use profanities like this quite often - AND thanked GAWD my boss is on vacation and I can use such language]. At this point I'm shaking and the only thing I can think of is the wine bottle I polished off on Friday. Did I jump the gun on this one? But I was so sure it was over! Holy mother of all things green, I now wait for the doc's call. My guess is i'll be sent in for another blood test to see the rise. Hopefully another ultrasound to check for changes.

You cyber peoples don't even know what this is doing to me.

Can I share another piece of info. I was pretty upset yesterday [although I didn't show it or even mention it to G]. I had had my 2nd baby dream. I was so upset because thats the last thing I wanted to be dreaming. But the baby was only a little bigger than the last dream and looked exactly the same. And again it was a girl. This was so emotionally upsetting, but now that I think about it. Could my own body be sending me subliminal messages? I felt pretty shitty last night. Literally. I've been pooping like crazy, and most of the time it's not "normal." TMI - pretty loose stools. And the wierd part is that my stomach doesn't hurt. I hurt lower in my abdomen. Then I got super bloated like I had been feeling before our Seattle trip. I woke up today just as bloated if not worse. Which made me think twice since i hadn't felt this way in since we got back from Seattle [which was when I "knew" something was wrong].

***************

Speaking of the devil [as the saying goes]...

Nurse just called and asked that I have another blood test done to check my levels. Hopefully they'll have the results tomorrow, and then they'll have me go in on Thursday.

I can't even think straight anymore. I'm going right now to do this blood test.

Grieving

Last night was hard. yesterday was hard. I was so sad all day. I couldn't even smile. Like it hurt to smile. At one point last night I was watching "So you think you can dance" while G was playing soccer, and they had this kid doing some assome pop-blocking so I started to smile, and immediately the tears started streaming down my face. The smile disappeared like it had hurt or something. After that, every time I almost smiled, I cried instead. It sucked! I had no control, but I had been holding back tears all day. Once G was home and we were finally in bed, I felt the sadness hitting its peak. As soon as he asked me to move closer to him and lay my head on his chest the flood gates opened. I began crying quietly at first and then it got stronger. I can't even explain how you cry, but I guess it really is like when a loved one dies and you just can't help but cry and feel sad. That continued for almost an hour [on & off]. We didn't talk...just comfort each other. I could tell G was quietly letting some tears out too.

When we were finally done [or at least thought it was safe to talk] I asked G if he was ok. He finally opened up and told me how sad he was and how hard it has been to be so strong for me [flood gates re-opened]. He said he worries about me constantly. Whether I'm physically and mentally ok. And finally he told me what opened up his flood gates....he had just told his step-mom what had happened. I had been bugging him to tell his dad, but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to do it. So when he had a moment alone with his step-mom he told her and asked that she tell his dad. The sadness in G's voice was stabbing pain in my heart. I breaks me to see him so sad. I realize that he may not know just how sad I feel, but I also do not know how sad he feels. We are both trying to cope - blindly learning as we go.

I found the post below on a "grieving dads" bulletin board that shows just how painful it is for men.

"My wife and I were expecting our first child, it's something we've both dreamed of for a while. She was more than happy, I've never seen her so overjoyed. I've also never felt so empty and helpless when we went in for the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks to find out it's a Molar pregnancy [an abnormality during pregnancy; chorionic villi around the fetus degenerate and form clusters of fluid-filled sacs; usually associated with the death of the fetus ].

I was able to be the good, strong husband at first. Supportive, and caring. I made the phone calls to the family and friends, intercepted as many calls as possible from getting to her. I was doing ok until I made the last call, the one to my own parents. I broke down just as I was telling my own mother, I can't imagine the pain she felt for me."

I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least there was no embryo, so an actual baby didn't die. But you gotta understand that in our minds it was a baby. We were at 8 weeks expecting to see a fully formed baby with a heart beat. Every Tuesday night [the end of a new week] G would read to me the development of the baby for that week. So we were very aware of what should have been and we were fully engrossed with what we thought was a baby growing inside me. So it's just as painful.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see the screen. I'm sure my boss is gonna walk in any minute and freak out. In an hour I will go get my 2nd blood draw to compare my hCG numbers and confirm the inevitable.

The beginning to the end

I had really been hoping that this would all resolve itself naturally. I do not want a D&C [surgical procedure] to clean me out. I really want my body to just take care of it naturally, and I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Good news, I started bleeding last night. More like my brown spotting is becoming redder by the hour. No pain yet, but definitely having that "i think my period is about to start any minute now" feeling. So hopefully this is the beginning of the end.

***UPDATE: Red is gone and back to brown. *sigh*

And then there were two....

Yesterday I found out I miscarried. :( It was our first appt. at what should have been 8 weeks but an ultrasound found nothing. Just an empty sack that probably stop trying to make a baby at 5 weeks. I suppose the medical term for this is a "missed miscarriage" or "blighted ovum."

At this point I'm fine. Like for reals, I am already moving on. I had a good cry with G last night. We both allowed ourselves to be sad for 1 day [i'm sure we'll need more days]. But we both understand that things like this happen and it means nothing more than what it is. I guess I'm more in shock than anything. Still feel numb and not sure how to feel. Sadness just hits me all of a sudden. It's amazing how fast one gets attached to what you think is baby growing inside of you. It wasn't planned but we were both so happy. Especially G who wants kids so bad. My motherly instincts seriously kicked in when I saw that positive pregnancy test. So it still feels like I've lost something close.

Crazy part is that I've had that bad gut feeling for over a week [before leaving to Seattle]. At some point I just really started to feel different and started worrying [secretly]. By this weekend I knew something wasn't right. So when the ultrasound showed nothing I showed nothing. No emotion, just a strong agreeing with the doctor that there was still hope. But I know its over. She said I could have just ovulated late and i'm actually 5 weeks rather than 8 weeks. But that is so unlikely considering i wasn't on birth control and have been regular [to the day and sometimes hour] for over 2 years. So this process is being dragged out. I was sent in for blood testing yesterday to start checking if my hormone levels are doubling as they should in a healthy pregnancy. I do another test on Friday to compare and then just wait for the call. I hate waiting. It was hard enough waiting 8 weeks [really a month] for our first appt. The other sucky part was having the nurse and doctor ask if I even felt pregnant. OF COURSE DUMB ASS! I feel "different" but still totally pregnant! My boobs still hurt, my bladder still fills up in minutes, the muscles in my uterus still stretch and hurt and I'm still hungry 24/7!!

That's I'll i got for now. I've been talking some much with G that I literally cannot type everything that I feel right now. Too much.