Last night was hard. yesterday was hard. I was so sad all day. I couldn't even smile. Like it hurt to smile. At one point last night I was watching "So you think you can dance" while G was playing soccer, and they had this kid doing some assome pop-blocking so I started to smile, and immediately the tears started streaming down my face. The smile disappeared like it had hurt or something. After that, every time I almost smiled, I cried instead. It sucked! I had no control, but I had been holding back tears all day. Once G was home and we were finally in bed, I felt the sadness hitting its peak. As soon as he asked me to move closer to him and lay my head on his chest the flood gates opened. I began crying quietly at first and then it got stronger. I can't even explain how you cry, but I guess it really is like when a loved one dies and you just can't help but cry and feel sad. That continued for almost an hour [on & off]. We didn't talk...just comfort each other. I could tell G was quietly letting some tears out too.
When we were finally done [or at least thought it was safe to talk] I asked G if he was ok. He finally opened up and told me how sad he was and how hard it has been to be so strong for me [flood gates re-opened]. He said he worries about me constantly. Whether I'm physically and mentally ok. And finally he told me what opened up his flood gates....he had just told his step-mom what had happened. I had been bugging him to tell his dad, but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to do it. So when he had a moment alone with his step-mom he told her and asked that she tell his dad. The sadness in G's voice was stabbing pain in my heart. I breaks me to see him so sad. I realize that he may not know just how sad I feel, but I also do not know how sad he feels. We are both trying to cope - blindly learning as we go.
I found the post below on a "grieving dads" bulletin board that shows just how painful it is for men.
"My wife and I were expecting our first child, it's something we've both dreamed of for a while. She was more than happy, I've never seen her so overjoyed. I've also never felt so empty and helpless when we went in for the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks to find out it's a Molar pregnancy [an abnormality during pregnancy; chorionic villi around the fetus degenerate and form clusters of fluid-filled sacs; usually associated with the death of the fetus ].
When we were finally done [or at least thought it was safe to talk] I asked G if he was ok. He finally opened up and told me how sad he was and how hard it has been to be so strong for me [flood gates re-opened]. He said he worries about me constantly. Whether I'm physically and mentally ok. And finally he told me what opened up his flood gates....he had just told his step-mom what had happened. I had been bugging him to tell his dad, but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to do it. So when he had a moment alone with his step-mom he told her and asked that she tell his dad. The sadness in G's voice was stabbing pain in my heart. I breaks me to see him so sad. I realize that he may not know just how sad I feel, but I also do not know how sad he feels. We are both trying to cope - blindly learning as we go.
I found the post below on a "grieving dads" bulletin board that shows just how painful it is for men.
"My wife and I were expecting our first child, it's something we've both dreamed of for a while. She was more than happy, I've never seen her so overjoyed. I've also never felt so empty and helpless when we went in for the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks to find out it's a Molar pregnancy [an abnormality during pregnancy; chorionic villi around the fetus degenerate and form clusters of fluid-filled sacs; usually associated with the death of the fetus ].
I was able to be the good, strong husband at first. Supportive, and caring. I made the phone calls to the family and friends, intercepted as many calls as possible from getting to her. I was doing ok until I made the last call, the one to my own parents. I broke down just as I was telling my own mother, I can't imagine the pain she felt for me."
I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least there was no embryo, so an actual baby didn't die. But you gotta understand that in our minds it was a baby. We were at 8 weeks expecting to see a fully formed baby with a heart beat. Every Tuesday night [the end of a new week] G would read to me the development of the baby for that week. So we were very aware of what should have been and we were fully engrossed with what we thought was a baby growing inside me. So it's just as painful.
Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see the screen. I'm sure my boss is gonna walk in any minute and freak out. In an hour I will go get my 2nd blood draw to compare my hCG numbers and confirm the inevitable.
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