Recovery

Finally an update for all of you that have been checking in, patiently waiting. [Thank you for caring] I would have updated sooner, but internet is hard to come by these days. So her I am, at my mom's....freeloading off their internet that I still pay! Don't ask me why. I guess that means I'm not really a freeloader if I pay it. Getting sidetracked here!

On Monday I checked in to the hospital at 10am for my D&C. It was a long process and it didn't help the doc was 30 min. late. I was taken in to the first room where I had to change into a gown and get in a hospital bed. I was immediately hooked up to an IV and blood was drawn to determine my type in case I needed a transplant. O+ - I knew that already. After being lonely for about 10 min., the nurse brought in my hubby to keep me company. We waiting around for a good 2 hours. I never felt nervous which was good. It was more of an eerie calm that came over me. After talking to the anesthesiologist and finally our doc, I was rolled down the hall into the surgery room. This room was COLD! It was weird to see all the tools that were gonna be used. All the other techs in the room talking nonchalant about their plans for the day. The anesthesiologist gave me the goods - along with a little something to ease me out of the surgery [best drug ever!]. They asked me to scoot onto the the surgery bed and I looked at the clocked and I was out.

I didn't realize I had knocked out till I woke up. It felt good like waking up from a nice sleep. Fast forward about 3 min. when the flood gates open. Out of nowhere I begin crying. Tears of a deep sadness. I had no idea where it came from and I couldn't stop. I had a nice nurse that talked to me and calmed me down. After about 30 min. I was rolled out to the recovery room. G was in the hall waiting for me. I was told I needed to pass 3 tests in order to be discharged.

1. Keep down fluids

2. Pee

3. Walk on my own

Once in the room, I had 2 boxes of apple juice and slept for about 30 min. I woke up and had to pee. Good sign as I had already passed a test. I made it to the restroom with little help and the nurse said I was ready to go. She also said it helped to be young - you have a nice recovery. Soon afterwards we were discharged into the hot Cali heat.

One of the things that sorta bothered me in the hospital, was constantly being asked why I was having a D&C done. And then you tell them miscarriage and they ask if it was your first and you say yes and they feel so sorry for you. I don't want or need more people feeling sorry. I don't need to be asked why I'm having an "abortion" procedure. Sucks.

Once home on Monday I just slept some more and ate. I was starving!!! I hadn't eaten since the day before as you have to fast. So by 3pm I was ravenous! For dinner my mom sent over some caldo de pollo and rice and jello and watermelon and grapes. She's the bestest. You know who else is the bestest? G - for talking 3 days off with me to make sure I was ok and had everything I needed. Thanks babe - you are also the bestest.

Recovery has been great. I have felt virtually no pain, just super mild cramps every now and then. Bleeding has been minimal - only light spotting. So it's good! I haven't even touched my pain meds. Crazy...I know.

Today was the only draw back. I took my antibiotics this mornings and immediately began to feel sick. I was dizzy, in a cold sweat, and thought I was going to be sick. It wasn't too bad at first so I headed to work. The drive only made it worse. I stayed at work just long enough to tell my boss I was gonna have to head home. I had been fine everyday, but today something didn't sit well. Could've been a combination of little sleep and being up early after a week of tons of sleep. So I headed home to make sure I didn't have a fever [fever could mean infection = scary] and then came to my moms to freeload off the a/c! ;o) I slept all morning and then had lunch, but I still feel a bit dizzy. Let's hope this doesn't last much longer.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post from the emotional aspect of this all. That is a post of its own.

Thanks everyone that has been reading and caring and texting me well wishes. It really really does help and makes me feel so lucky to have a assome bunch of great friends. Maybe some day you all won't be so shy to drop me comment! ;o)

**Here's hoping for a better September**

Confirmed Miscarriage

Yesterday our finally ultrasound confirmed that the sac was not gonna grow anymore. Medical term for this is "blighted ovum." My body still thinks it's pregnant even though nothing is developing. It was what G & I expected so we weren't devastated so to speak, but still super sad. I'm just happy to be able to move on. The doc said that it seemed that the sac didn't even develope past 4 weeks [if that far].

I have scheduled a D&C for Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 10am [with no eating since the night before] and the surgery will take place at noon. I'm taking work off until Wednesday and returning on Thursday. I know the time after the surgery will take its emotional toll. Especially since my hormones will be all outta whack afterwards.

I probably won't be posting again till afterwards since I don't have internet at home [which thinking about that makes me more sad that I won't have a connection to the e-world for so long]. But if I go to my moms house any day I'll definitely take a moment to update you loyal readers.

Wish me luck!

Official D-Day

***this post has been a draft until today 10-15-10. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was reading thru my posts when I found this one. So here it is.***


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Today is the day. I have a doctor's appt. at 2pm for an ultrasound that will finally tell us if I'm still pregnant or not. I am nervous about it, but more relieved that it will finally be over soon. I've decided that if I am indeed diagnosed with some sort of miscarriage I will have a D&C.

A D&C (dilatation and curettage) is sometimes performed to "complete" a miscarriage. Remaining fragments of decidual or endometrial lining are removed. If there is still embryonic or placental tissue left behind, this procedure will remove them.

I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted to miscarry naturally or get this procedure done. I was thinking that if I miscarried about 3-4 weeks ago and haven't miscarried naturally yet, then who knows how much longer it'll take. I don't think I can wait for this to happen another 2-3 weeks. Or even 1 week. This how ordeal has been so emotionally draining that I would rather just start the healing process sooner than later. I live in a daze. I can't focus on anything else but my body. I need to be done with this so I can return to my life!

After talking to our doc I'll decide whether or not to schedule a D&C. If I do, then I'll schedule it for sometime mid next week. I'll most likely take the rest of the week off work and then have the weekend. Sucky thing is I'll have to tell my boss what's going and to top it off he's on vacay till next tues. or wed. So I don't even see when I could tell him.

In other related news, I have officially diagnosed myself as an emotional eater. I wish being depressed and down in the dumps would cause me to stop eating, but unfortunately I have the opposite reaction. I have been eating more than ever and the scale has not been nice to me. I am on almost at 7lbs of weight gain since finding out I was preggers. 4 of those lbs has been gained since finding out I was most likely miscarrying. Sucks because I had just lost some weight so I quickly gained more back. Really, this doesn't help in making me feel better.

Staying positive with little hopes

I get news today that my hCG levels went up, but only a tiny bit. Not near enough as they should. Or as the nurse put it, "my numbers are floundering." So now I have an ultrasound appt. for Thursday afternoon so that the doc can decide if this is a "viable" pregnancy. I really don't know what to think. I know it's not over till the fat lady sings, or in this case the skinny lady.

I don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I still feel pregnant and other times I just feel like shit. On top of that I've been so incredibly bloated that none of my jeans or pants fit. Serio. I can't leave them buttoned. It makes me even more depressed.

Here are my sorry rising numbers (numbers are rounded):

8/14 - 2900+

8/17 - 3200+

8/20 - 3400+

That is a really weak rise considering they're suppose to be doubling. What gets to me is why is it that my numbers continue to rise [even if its very slow] when I supposedly could've miscarried over 3 weeks ago [ maybe even 4]. Why has my body not caught on. Or am I really some medical mystery and come Thursday we might see that an embryo has actually developed. I mean I've read these sort of miracle stories from other women, but I don't buy it.
Guess I'm just afraid of the ultimate let down on Thursday.

Keep lighting those candles, I think they're working.

Btw - today should've been week 9 for us. :(

The emotional rollercoaster continues....

This whole ordeal is really pushing me to my emotional and mental limits. After having a week to come to terms with what is happening and finally accepting our fate, I get a new fucking curve ball thrown at me.

Today was the day I was to hear back from my doc with the blood test results. So I get a call from my doc's nurse - here's how it went.

Nurse: Have you had your final blood test done?
Me: Yes, on Friday. I was only asked to do 2. One Tuesday & one Friday.
Nurse: Oh, ok. Just checking. Well it looks like your hCG levels are going up, so that's good.
Me: What! Uh....that's a suprise.
Nurse: [whispering & shocked] why? is there something wrong?
Me: Um yeah...I had come to terms with the fact that I was most likely miscarrying. I've been spotting for 3 weeks and some of it has been red.
Nurse: Oh...well...lemme check your numbers again.
Nurse: Yup, they're going up. You went from 2902 to 3230.
Me: Really....well that's not a big change, but I can't believe it's going up.
Nurse: It's definitely a good sign, but I don't want to say much more as I'd rather have the doctor see this first. I wouldn't want to get your hopes up.
Me: No worries. I totally understand. So when can I expect this call?
Nurse: She'll be in later today.
Me: Thanks, bye.

I proceed to take many deep breaths while screaming "Oh.my.fucking.gawd" [i'm sorry if you're offended but i use profanities like this quite often - AND thanked GAWD my boss is on vacation and I can use such language]. At this point I'm shaking and the only thing I can think of is the wine bottle I polished off on Friday. Did I jump the gun on this one? But I was so sure it was over! Holy mother of all things green, I now wait for the doc's call. My guess is i'll be sent in for another blood test to see the rise. Hopefully another ultrasound to check for changes.

You cyber peoples don't even know what this is doing to me.

Can I share another piece of info. I was pretty upset yesterday [although I didn't show it or even mention it to G]. I had had my 2nd baby dream. I was so upset because thats the last thing I wanted to be dreaming. But the baby was only a little bigger than the last dream and looked exactly the same. And again it was a girl. This was so emotionally upsetting, but now that I think about it. Could my own body be sending me subliminal messages? I felt pretty shitty last night. Literally. I've been pooping like crazy, and most of the time it's not "normal." TMI - pretty loose stools. And the wierd part is that my stomach doesn't hurt. I hurt lower in my abdomen. Then I got super bloated like I had been feeling before our Seattle trip. I woke up today just as bloated if not worse. Which made me think twice since i hadn't felt this way in since we got back from Seattle [which was when I "knew" something was wrong].

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Speaking of the devil [as the saying goes]...

Nurse just called and asked that I have another blood test done to check my levels. Hopefully they'll have the results tomorrow, and then they'll have me go in on Thursday.

I can't even think straight anymore. I'm going right now to do this blood test.

Grieving

Last night was hard. yesterday was hard. I was so sad all day. I couldn't even smile. Like it hurt to smile. At one point last night I was watching "So you think you can dance" while G was playing soccer, and they had this kid doing some assome pop-blocking so I started to smile, and immediately the tears started streaming down my face. The smile disappeared like it had hurt or something. After that, every time I almost smiled, I cried instead. It sucked! I had no control, but I had been holding back tears all day. Once G was home and we were finally in bed, I felt the sadness hitting its peak. As soon as he asked me to move closer to him and lay my head on his chest the flood gates opened. I began crying quietly at first and then it got stronger. I can't even explain how you cry, but I guess it really is like when a loved one dies and you just can't help but cry and feel sad. That continued for almost an hour [on & off]. We didn't talk...just comfort each other. I could tell G was quietly letting some tears out too.

When we were finally done [or at least thought it was safe to talk] I asked G if he was ok. He finally opened up and told me how sad he was and how hard it has been to be so strong for me [flood gates re-opened]. He said he worries about me constantly. Whether I'm physically and mentally ok. And finally he told me what opened up his flood gates....he had just told his step-mom what had happened. I had been bugging him to tell his dad, but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to do it. So when he had a moment alone with his step-mom he told her and asked that she tell his dad. The sadness in G's voice was stabbing pain in my heart. I breaks me to see him so sad. I realize that he may not know just how sad I feel, but I also do not know how sad he feels. We are both trying to cope - blindly learning as we go.

I found the post below on a "grieving dads" bulletin board that shows just how painful it is for men.

"My wife and I were expecting our first child, it's something we've both dreamed of for a while. She was more than happy, I've never seen her so overjoyed. I've also never felt so empty and helpless when we went in for the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks to find out it's a Molar pregnancy [an abnormality during pregnancy; chorionic villi around the fetus degenerate and form clusters of fluid-filled sacs; usually associated with the death of the fetus ].

I was able to be the good, strong husband at first. Supportive, and caring. I made the phone calls to the family and friends, intercepted as many calls as possible from getting to her. I was doing ok until I made the last call, the one to my own parents. I broke down just as I was telling my own mother, I can't imagine the pain she felt for me."

I keep trying to comfort myself with the fact that at least there was no embryo, so an actual baby didn't die. But you gotta understand that in our minds it was a baby. We were at 8 weeks expecting to see a fully formed baby with a heart beat. Every Tuesday night [the end of a new week] G would read to me the development of the baby for that week. So we were very aware of what should have been and we were fully engrossed with what we thought was a baby growing inside me. So it's just as painful.

Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see the screen. I'm sure my boss is gonna walk in any minute and freak out. In an hour I will go get my 2nd blood draw to compare my hCG numbers and confirm the inevitable.

The beginning to the end

I had really been hoping that this would all resolve itself naturally. I do not want a D&C [surgical procedure] to clean me out. I really want my body to just take care of it naturally, and I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Good news, I started bleeding last night. More like my brown spotting is becoming redder by the hour. No pain yet, but definitely having that "i think my period is about to start any minute now" feeling. So hopefully this is the beginning of the end.

***UPDATE: Red is gone and back to brown. *sigh*

And then there were two....

Yesterday I found out I miscarried. :( It was our first appt. at what should have been 8 weeks but an ultrasound found nothing. Just an empty sack that probably stop trying to make a baby at 5 weeks. I suppose the medical term for this is a "missed miscarriage" or "blighted ovum."

At this point I'm fine. Like for reals, I am already moving on. I had a good cry with G last night. We both allowed ourselves to be sad for 1 day [i'm sure we'll need more days]. But we both understand that things like this happen and it means nothing more than what it is. I guess I'm more in shock than anything. Still feel numb and not sure how to feel. Sadness just hits me all of a sudden. It's amazing how fast one gets attached to what you think is baby growing inside of you. It wasn't planned but we were both so happy. Especially G who wants kids so bad. My motherly instincts seriously kicked in when I saw that positive pregnancy test. So it still feels like I've lost something close.

Crazy part is that I've had that bad gut feeling for over a week [before leaving to Seattle]. At some point I just really started to feel different and started worrying [secretly]. By this weekend I knew something wasn't right. So when the ultrasound showed nothing I showed nothing. No emotion, just a strong agreeing with the doctor that there was still hope. But I know its over. She said I could have just ovulated late and i'm actually 5 weeks rather than 8 weeks. But that is so unlikely considering i wasn't on birth control and have been regular [to the day and sometimes hour] for over 2 years. So this process is being dragged out. I was sent in for blood testing yesterday to start checking if my hormone levels are doubling as they should in a healthy pregnancy. I do another test on Friday to compare and then just wait for the call. I hate waiting. It was hard enough waiting 8 weeks [really a month] for our first appt. The other sucky part was having the nurse and doctor ask if I even felt pregnant. OF COURSE DUMB ASS! I feel "different" but still totally pregnant! My boobs still hurt, my bladder still fills up in minutes, the muscles in my uterus still stretch and hurt and I'm still hungry 24/7!!

That's I'll i got for now. I've been talking some much with G that I literally cannot type everything that I feel right now. Too much.

Self Imposed Bed Rest

I'm gonna make this a quickie post since I have a terrible throbbing headache since 3 days ago.

I've been on a self imposed bed rest since Saturday. On Friday night I had some pretty uncomfortable cramps. Worse than the mild ones I had been experiencing. I sorta weird but not really. Tried not to think about it. Well Saturday morning I get up to pee and when I wipe low and behold there's red blood on the toilet paper. Not brown...but bright red. I put my freak out on pause and wipe again to double check and there it is...more blood. I star at it a good 3 minutes and then flush and proceed to tell G. I then break down and start sobbing.

Red blood is the one major fear I have had thus far. When I think miscarriage, I think red blood. Since I had been so worried with the brown spotting and then the cramps, when I saw red there was no way I could get it together and not worry. After letting out a good cry I composed myself since I didn't really know if it was bad. G left to take my parents to the airport and I stayed behind in case the bleeding continued and I had to drag my ass the the ER. THANK GOD that was the last of the blood. I did not see red again and have been on bed rest since holding out till our appt. tomorrow. I took it as a good sign that it was just a little bit and went away right away. I've read about people bleeding a bit and being fine so I did not want to over react and rush to the ER.

We'll find out the meaning of this tomorrow. And. I. am. so. scared. Saturday was the first day I actually thought I might be losing this baby. I was shocked at my reaction and how fast you become attached to an embryo that you think is growing inside of you. It's amazing. Motherly instincts kick right in I suppose. Please keep your finger crossed for us and hope that everything goes well tomorrow. I'm trying the think happy thoughts and talk to ET so it knows we want him it to be strong and stick around. And this coming form the girl who said she'd never talk to her belly!

Life Size

I googled "7 weeks pregnant" in images and got this one back. A life size model of a 7 week fetus. Crazy!

Minor Freak Out

For over a week now I've been trying to remain calm and not freak out about some little brown spotting I've been having. I keep reading that as long as it's not red it's nothing to worry about. But after more than a week and random little cramps here an there - how can I not worry!?!? Every time I go to the restroom and wipe I check the toilet paper and I check my undies. And let me tell you, that's a lot of times! I tend to pee about every hour! And twice in the middle of the night! I am so afraid to go pee and see red. So today....to put my mind at ease I mustered up the courage to call my doctors office [I'm Mexican and do not run to call the doctor unless I'm in pain or think I'm dying - BUT if i would call because i think I'm dying...why would I wait to call if I think my baby might be dying? hmmm...interesting point Gaby...should've seen it that way before - anyway....continuing]. I was sooo scared and nervous! My voice was even shaky! I didn't want to sound paranoid so I told the nurse it had been going on for a while and wanted to know if I should get worried. She assured me that as long as it was brown there was nothing to worry about and it was something that could wait till our appointment this coming Tuesday. Still....I'm not completely convinced. She then told me to take it easy, lie down as much as possible, don't lift anything heavy, and absolutely no sex [not that its happening since we're both too freaked out to do anything until our appt.]!

So what's on the agenda for this weekend? A lot of "taking it easy" and "lying down." Good times...not really. But seriously....I hope the weekend zips by. This waiting business gets harder by the day.


Also - my jeans are getting tight. Is this something I should be concerned about as I am only 7 weeks along? I'm beginning to think so. I don't want to gain weight so rapidly. Then again, according to the scale I haven't really gained anything. Seems it's just my expanding waist line [just like my boobs :(]. Scary!

waiting is hard to do

In 5 days we will finally get to see ET [maybe just hear the little rapid heart beat] and it feels more like 5 months. This waiting period is seriously beginning to take a toll on both G and I. It gets harder and harder to believe a little pee test that this is for real. Having to wait till the 8th week is some of the hardest waiting time ever. For me it's a bit easier than G. I can feel all the changes going on in my body and I know something is going on and is different. But for G, he only goes by what I say and how I act. Men really do need that visual confirmation more than a women. He needs to hear a medical professional say that we are having a baby.

This time, however, is also filled with much fear and an uneasy anxiety. I am at the point where I am constantly fearing our appointment. What if there is no heart beat? What if ET stopped growing? Will I be able to handle that sort of news? There are days when I don't feel anything and don't feel pregnant. Those are the scary days. In 7 weeks I have become so attached to my little one that I can't imagine having to go back "to normal." I keep hearing that the loss of a fetus at any age is as hard as the loss of a child at any age. Especially when it's your first child. Of course I stop myself from thinking such horrible thoughts. ET needs my happy vibes. I do tell ET every night that I can't wait to hear it's little heart fluttering away. That I hope he/she is growing strong. But truth be told, I'm scared shit less and so is G.

In happier news, I hadn't posted in over a week because work had been busy in preparation for our vacay and we have lost our free wireless internet signal at home. But we are now back from a great relaxing vacation in Seattle [see picture]. I felt great. I was worried about flying and having the gods curse me with morning sickness at the start of our vacation, but THANK GOD I am still ok [knocking on wood]. My mom is constantly asking if I'm sick yet. No mom....be happy instead of shocked.


My hormones are also in full swing right now. I am crying at every opportunity. For example, I hate Barry Bonds. But when he gave that thank you speech and cried thinking about his dad...well best believe I was right there crying too. And I couldn't even hold back! it was terrible. I am also getting angry and annoyed for the dumbest things. But whatcha gonna do. G has been very good about keeping calm when I'm not. He's really learning to "go with the flow." LOL It's a learning process for us all.