I'm so over the downs. They come outta nowhere. No matter how much time has gone by or what good has come....the pain that we felt that first day, after the loss, continues to hold refuge in my heart. When it hurts, it doesn't hurt any less than that first day.
Yesterday was bittersweet. I woke up to an old friend - Aunt Flow. I had been patiently waiting and was very happy to see her. 25 days after the spotting from the D&C ended....AF arrived. It finally feels like I'm normal. It's good to know my body has healed. If only I was completely healed.
By the end of the day I was in an emotional rut. I never thought that something that I wanted so bad [AF] could bring back the pain. I was telling G that it felt like the end of a chapter. A chapter that ended much too soon. Since it is something that I still wish had never happened, and I'm still upset about, the end of this chapter was hard to swallow. As soon as I got in bed and let my guard down, the tears began to flow. I cried like the first day. A final goodbye....one last good cry.
From here we can only go up. I fill my head with positive thoughts every day, yesterday was an exception. I now will only look forward, leaving the sad memories locked away.
I still want a baby more than ever [even though the thought scares me more than ever], and I have a feeling we may not make it the 3 months requested by the doc. Honestly, I think I want to try again this month. Only G & I can say when we're ready. And believe me, we both are. Sometimes I feel like its he only way to heal. So here's to a new month and a new chapter. We'll see how it goes.
Yesterday was bittersweet. I woke up to an old friend - Aunt Flow. I had been patiently waiting and was very happy to see her. 25 days after the spotting from the D&C ended....AF arrived. It finally feels like I'm normal. It's good to know my body has healed. If only I was completely healed.
By the end of the day I was in an emotional rut. I never thought that something that I wanted so bad [AF] could bring back the pain. I was telling G that it felt like the end of a chapter. A chapter that ended much too soon. Since it is something that I still wish had never happened, and I'm still upset about, the end of this chapter was hard to swallow. As soon as I got in bed and let my guard down, the tears began to flow. I cried like the first day. A final goodbye....one last good cry.
From here we can only go up. I fill my head with positive thoughts every day, yesterday was an exception. I now will only look forward, leaving the sad memories locked away.
I still want a baby more than ever [even though the thought scares me more than ever], and I have a feeling we may not make it the 3 months requested by the doc. Honestly, I think I want to try again this month. Only G & I can say when we're ready. And believe me, we both are. Sometimes I feel like its he only way to heal. So here's to a new month and a new chapter. We'll see how it goes.
5 comments:
So sorry about this being such a painful time for you. Hugs to you and I hope you are able to become pregnant very soon!
Don't worry. New things happen all the time. God has an ultimate plan and nothing will stop it.
It took us a long time to heal. When July comes around we can't help but think about what if it didn't happen how it could of been. Lot of hugs to you gee!
I AM PRAYING FOR YOU GUYS REALLY. I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE A BABY SOON AND BE REALLY GOOD PARENTS! AT LEAST YOU WILL GABY!! HAHAHA JK GERARDO TOO!
You're in my prayers! I know this is an old post but, I'm sure the wounds are still healing. :
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